Journey To Transparency...

Faithfulness...

2011-08-07T15:04:00.006-05:00

It has been eight months since I've posted anything here - I've posted a lot in my mind - meaning I've written several posts in my mind but they never made it to the keyboard. This Sunday afternoon I have left my house and secluded myself in the corner of Starbucks for one purpose - to update this blog (and drink a Carmel Latte). I kind of think this last eight months deserves a "theme" and really there is only one theme that has resonated with me over this year - "Faithfulness". Sounds simple right? It might even seem spiritual. What does faithful look like? I can tell you this theme is not based on my actions or beliefs over the last year - if it were based on me I should have titled this "Fearful".

So last January it was made clear to me that life as we had become accustomed to was ending - not such a bad thing really but not a pleasant transition. As many in this wonderful economy Todd's business had started to decline over the last year - and in January the end was very near. Todd received his last paycheck from his business last January - Ah so now you see a bit of the struggle. So from January until June we had very little income actually entering our bank account. January I walked into my boss's office (at the time I worked about 20 hours a month) and before I could get out the words I need more hours she said before we talk about your clients I have to ask you is there anyway you can work more hours?? Faithful provider. So after that I worked 32 plus hours a week - Todd stayed at home with the children three days a week and I worked three days and two nights. Social workers aren't known for making big money - but what was provided paid our house payment and most bills. Over the years we have maintained a decent savings account - but also over the last year of our business we poured our own money into the business to keep it going - so we did have some savings left but not nearly enough to provide for us for a long stretch of time. In fact when Todd received his first paycheck in June (so 6 months later) we had only a few hundred dollars left in savings. Again I say Faithful Provider. I didn't know we would be taken to our very end but it is very clear to me God knew.

Turning the corner... In June we became part of new company - we are partial owners in conjunction with a company located in Paris, France. New opportunities - New Fears - New Challenges - and more opportunities for God to show up in our lives. In July we opened up another company with old friends - this time with more wisdom - more knowledge - and lots of humbleness. This is new ground. It is exciting and really scary. We make little to no money - but its working?? We have been blessed over these months by having others provide for us... Checks from family members at just the right time (they never knew their timing was perfect)....a box of clothes for Eli - so no need to buy spring/summer clothes... More hours at work.... A paycheck we didn't expect. So that's why this post is titled - FAITHFULNESS. There were many nights I would be rocking Eli to sleep wondering why things turned out this way - doubting - questioning - and beating myself down for things I did or did not do. And then I would be reminded through song and I would sing to my boy as we rocked... hoping I would remember this tomorrow and hoping he would remember this for life:
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-27T23:07:00.007-06:00

Christmas was great this year - we rested. I'm quite sure that is the theme for our Christmas 2010. Our family has been sick pretty much 6 weeks straight - not all at once but at least one child which almost always past to an adult. So once the Christmas season rolled around this mommy thought she was going crazy. I was so tired of seeing the four walls of this house - tired of only having conversations with little people - tired of being tired. You get the picture. But finally as Christmas week rolled around we were mostly all feeling good. We had no where to be and no entertaining to do - maybe that's depressing for some people but it was like a breath of fresh air for this family. To top everything off we woke up Christmas morning to snow falling - that just doesn't happen in Alabama!! I guess snow isn't the best to have when your daughter gets a bike for Christmas but my daughter didn't let a little snow get in her way of riding her new bike! Eli was very unaware of what was going on but as Todd said he seemed really excited to wake up and find that his living room was suddenly a toy store. Sydney Kate was totally into Christmas this year - we did the "Elf on the Shelf" thing... as a side note I'm not 100% sold on this new elf watching you thing. I didn't take it too seriously but my daughter sure did - at least she cleaned her room a lot more because the elf was watching. I could go into an Elf theological debate post but I'll save it for a much later (and probably never) post. So Christmas was great - I loved our family time - we enjoyed being together. I always leave this season with a sense of thankfulness - thankful for my children/husband - thankful for the many blessings that we have - and thankful I'm entering another year and hopeful this coming year will be much better than the last.

Family Pics....

2010-12-27T22:54:00.004-06:00

Finally we had family pictures made - and finally I'm updating the blog. Enjoy the pictures and check back soon - I feel like I'm coming out of the "fog" and hoping to return to posting more soon.

Thoughts I think about....

2010-11-05T11:25:00.002-05:00

“ I remained, lost in oblivion; My face I reclined on the Beloved. All ceased and I abandoned myself, Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies.” – Saint John of the Cross

I often revisit this quote in my journal – most days my soul longs to join the lilies – to be embraced, sun beaming on my face – loved, rested, secure, no struggle, and beloved daughter. Not that my days are horrible but they are busy. I wrestle with laziness and being a taskmaster (two very different roles). I long to mark off the list of things I need to do but most days I barely make it past item one. I don’t mind much that I’m a procrastinator – things get done when they need to get done its just not with much speed. I really think sometimes I would have been an amazing monk – to sit all day and ponder the things of God, to read, to sit in silence, and at times work odd jobs. Why does that sound fun to me?? Okay it would probably be fun for a short period then I would need to connect with someone else - there is a strong desire for community in my world of introspection. Not sure I meet many mothers who have the time for the type of reclining time with the Lord I long for – I see lots of running errands and mundane lists checked off (which I’m often envious of those moms) but more and more I’m still drawn to the other side of leaving the lists for tomorrow. The side of being in the moment and if that moment calls for me to sit with a giant cup of coffee and a bagel at Panera Bread and focus on what God is doing among my craziness then that is where I’ll be. I long to be lost in oblivion – my face reclined on the Beloved – abandon my control – leave behind the stresses of life and breath in the fragrance of the lilies.

Halloween 2010...

2010-11-01T15:01:00.003-05:00

The most beautiful Princess Ballerina I've ever met and the most handsome little Pumpkin that I love to squeeze!! I'm pretty sure Halloween was a success based on the amount of candy brought into my house last night. I've got to come up with a really good excuse for getting rid of candy - there is no way this stuff is staying longer than a week! I think I might hide it and save it for Christmas stocking stuffers - then I can hide it after Christmas for Easter baskets - and then after that it might be so old no one would be willing to eat it. It is worth a try and a small attempt at being thrifty.

What kind of mood are you in?

2010-10-13T16:22:00.008-05:00

Some days I feel like this.....

But most days are like this - especially since we can play outside now without sweating to death ...

Beach pictures...

2010-09-03T22:50:00.007-05:00

Went to the beach a month ago and finally posting a few pictures. I would like to blame it on the fact that my wireless router died but I guess I could have plugged straight into a connection - but honestly I was being lazy! Enjoy...

First day of Kindergarten...

2010-08-13T13:18:00.006-05:00

I'll just say it - I totally cried when Sydney Kate got out of the car yesterday to walk into her first day of Kindergarten. I was so nervous for her - worried that someone would not take care of her needs like mom - not sure I was ready to admit that my baby girl was old enough to attend "real" school. Back in the day I would have laughed at seeing some mom cry when she dropped off her child - not anymore - these emotions are real and in some weird way it changes things forever. We are on day two of school and I'm still wandering around my house like a lost puppy. I would have thought I would be celebrating my new found freedom - instead I find myself hating the silence. No Disney music dancing in my head all day - no playing babies all morning - and no one asking me constantly what we're doing next. I miss it - I really do - and I'm sad because I know it doesn't go backwards they just keep growing up. So while me and little Eli wander our house in search of sissy... she is loving life! SK got in the car yesterday with a ton of things to tell me about - she loves her teacher - she made all these new friends - she's the tallest one in her class - she didn't even get in trouble (her words not mine) - she carried her own lunch tray and didn't drop it - she ran really fast in her new fast running tennis shoes - she wrote her name with a perfect "K" in Kate - she was the cutest one because she had on pink (her words not mine).... I could go on but I won't for the sake of the size of this blog. My little girl loves Kindergarten but the best part to hear about yesterday was - "Mom I had fun but I really missed you today - I don't want to watch t.v. because I want to spend time with my family". She will always have my heart even when I move her into college.... I'm pretty sure Kindergarten might have been the easiest transition yet... in that case maybe I should start praying now for my emotional overload in 12 years (high school graduation) - heck maybe I should just start praying about dropping her off for first grade - only one milestone at a time is all I can possibly handle!

The month of July...

2010-07-29T09:50:00.010-05:00

This month I watched my little ones grow up a little more. Sydney Kate turned 5 years old and my baby boy is now one year old. I sit back and wonder where in the world this year has gone... it seems like a blur! I guess everyone says "time flys" but you don't realize how fast it goes until you blink and your infant turns one and your little girl starts school. Crazy! In some deep place I'm excited for the next stage of life - a little more freedom. Not as tied down to my house as you are typically with a baby. Although I'm quite sure I motivate with my children more than most. They go and do with mom as much as possible - Sydney Kate is a pro at interviewing the homeless ladies at my job and Eli has been the most go with the flow baby I've ever met.

But there are things I will miss from the past year. I will miss my little girl always being at my side - always with something to say and always asking "why" things are the way things are. Sydney Kate starts school is two weeks and although she has attended Mother's Day Out since she was one years old this is very different for me. In two weeks she will be gone all day long - she will spend more time with her teacher than she will with her mom. I will miss the ballet dancing after rest time - I will miss my hugs/kisses - I will miss my buddy who always suggest we go to the mall to shop (not because she likes to shop but she knows if she gets me to the mall then she can ride the carousel - Smart Girl!). The nonconformist in me hates the fact that our family will now revolve around a school schedule - no more sleeping in and no more taking vacations when we please. I think Sydney Kate will do so good in school but I'm really worried about her parents.

Eli has been a calming spirit in our house this year. He is such a peaceful sweet baby. I am grieving my baby boy growing up - maybe it is because I believe he is my last. My little one was never really "little" in everyones eyes but he was to his mamma! No matter how big he gets I'm quite sure I'll still try to pick him up and make him kiss me 20 times a day. Eli hasn't started walking yet - he crawls really really fast and cruises around the furniture (which makes him laugh). There is nothing better than walking in his room in the morning and seeing my big blue eyed boy smiling - waiting patiently while sucking his puppy paci. I will forever be in love with his blonde curls, blue eyes, and fat rolls on his legs!!!!

Happy Birthday to my two beautiful children!! I have come to understand over the years that motherhood is not for the faint at heart. It is hard - sometimes more than you think you can handle but somehow you push through. Somehow God intervenes when you know you screwed up everything and yet your children still hug you and love you. It makes it worth it all - in fact it comes close to giving us a picture of how God loves us. We screw up and He loves us - he hugs us - he redeems us - he gives us another chance to be better. My children do that for me on a daily basis... what a love we are given as parents... we get chance after chance and they still come to us to keep loving them.

Sydney Kate's Dream...

2010-06-25T10:14:00.002-05:00

My precious daughter is a very vivid dreamer. Many nights I find her sneaking up beside my bed to announce "Mommy I've had a bad "dweam". So there are a few "dweams" I feel it is important to write down - there are not many things that make you laugh at 3am but this particular dream was priceless.

Here's our conversation at 3am:
Mommy I had a bad dweam (complete with tears and all) - and I need to sleep with you. Sydney Kate tell me about your dream. I dreamed I was a waffle and Ashley Aimes (a friend from school) put me in the toaster.

Maybe it was bad to laugh out loud in front of my crying 4 year old but I couldn't help myself - one thing about my Sydney Kate she will be forever giving me things to write about - she has a very special way with words.

A few new pics...

2010-06-07T22:09:00.008-05:00

Okay I've been terrible about updating the blog - so much going on and little time to update the blog. So eventually I'll get around to posting about Sydney Kate's K-4 graduation, Sk first missing tooth, Eli is crawling, beach time, etc. But for tonight I hope these pics will give you an update of my cute little people. My friend Shanda took these when she was in town a few weeks ago. Enjoy and I promise I'll get back to blogging in the very near future!!!

This boy melts my heart....

2010-04-18T22:23:00.003-05:00

Our family on Easter...

2010-04-04T23:45:00.004-05:00

My 8 month old...

2010-04-04T23:17:00.007-05:00

My precious boy - he is truly one of the happiest babies I've ever been around. He smiles at everyone - he goes with the flow no matter his mommy's crazy schedule. Eli's newest trick is to flash a big smile at those who pass to show off his first two teeth and then wave at them. He's so big everyone thinks he's so much older- who wouldn't at a whopping 24lbs. - more to squeeze! I love him so much and he brings so much joy to our family. Here's a few recent photos to show off our 8 month old enjoying this great Spring weather.

Theology reminders from a 4 year old....

2010-03-31T10:58:00.004-05:00

During an afternoon shopping trip to TJ Maxx Sydney Kate found a small prize in the toy section that she really wanted. When she asked if she could get it I told her I would make that decision at the end of our shopping trip - if she was well behaved I might buy it. During our time of shopping she was the perfect child - Yes Ma'am mommy - I love you Mommy - You are the best Mommy in the world - I love your new hair cut - Am I being a good helper.... the list of "good" things goes on. So towards the end of our shopping trip I said to Sydney Kate... "You have been such a good girl today - I wish you were this good everyday even when you don't want a toy." Sydney Kate replied, "Mom, I'm not Jesus! He was good all the time but I'm not him."

Theology 101 from my four year old! My response: You're right we will never be perfect - I'm not Jesus either!

Marguerite Harvey Tucker February 29, 1924 - February 13, 2010

2010-03-03T12:09:00.006-06:00

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound…

We sang this song at her funeral – it represents a life of a woman who imitated this hymn to those who were blessed to know her. She was not the type to go around “sharing her faith” as we might typically think about evangelizing – she shared her faith with love and action –she shared it by living out her life loving others as Christ loved her. As a child I remember going to Charleston to spend a few weeks with my Nanny every summer. I would play outside all day long with my cousin Kelly – but we always made it back to Nanny’s porch for some love and food. She would be there waiting for us on the big porch swing – we would lay our head in her lap and we would all swing –not many words were exchanged we would just listen to the birds singing – hear the swing’s old chains creak – and she would tickle our faces with her perfectly manicured nails (that she did herself I should add). We would lie there for hours – or it felt like hours when I was 9 years old – she loved us well. We would then run off and play until dark and return at dinner time to an amazing home cooked meal. Only Nanny could make any vegetable taste like dessert and you haven’t had dessert until you had her melt in your mouth pound cake. Memories there are many…

On those summer visits we always went to the local church on Sunday – New Hope United Methodist Church. For some reason as I child I thought that was such a big church – tall ceilings, lots of adults I didn’t know, and I would stand really close to my grandmother. As I entered this same church a week ago for her funeral I realized how small that church actually is – how in my mind as a child things seemed so grand and big. The reality is the church is quite simple and still very familiar – even 30 years later. I was in this church 10 years ago with my grandmother… she was dressed as a bride. Yes a beautiful bride in her 70s! I remember how excited I was for her – finding love once again in her life – living life to its full potential! That set a standard… love can find you no matter your age. My Nanny loved well. She loved her boys – they were her heart. She again set the standard – love your children – love them well.

I think of my grandmother’s legacy as she left this world… a legacy of love, strength, simplicity, and grace. May I never forget the love she poured abundantly on her family – she lived out the message of “love one another as our Heavenly Father loves us.” To me that verse was my precious Nanny - I will miss her.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wrench like me…I once was lost but now I’m found…was blind but now I see.

Snow in Alabama....

2010-02-12T14:16:00.003-06:00

What a great day - snow on the ground, staying warm inside with a cup of coffee and chocolate and two happy children. Don't call DHR but I took Eli outside to take a few pictures - yes I realize he doesn't have a jacket on but he didn't mind! Sydney Kate had her friend Abby over this morning and they played in the snow and played barbies all morning - so Mommy got some alone time to just be quiet - much needed! Enjoy the pics.

Mid 30's here I come....

2010-01-31T10:04:00.002-06:00

It's official - I'm pretty sure 34 years old = Mid 30 range. No more saying I just turned 30 (like you just left the 20's) - No more saying I'm in my early 30's. Nope I'm in the middle...and in another year or so I'll be crossing over the land into late 30's. I've noticed lately that I've been thinking of things that have never crossed my mind before - for example - I've found myself in the drugstore perusing the wrinkle cream section. One day I looked in the mirror and noticed lines on the side of my eyes! It could have been a sleepless night with an infant that caused these little lines or the more likely cause is I'm getting older!

I'm not sure I believe the hype of the old saying "You get wiser as you get older" - many days it just seems I'm slipping farther into the abyss of conformity... its easy - it doesn't take much brain power to do it - no one will think I'm weird - I'm tired. All the many excuses to remain in the comfort of what I know and too afraid to risk because failure looms on the other side. This has been in my thoughts all year and I do believe God keeps bringing it up in my life for a reason. Anytime I'm alone and all is silent (which is a rare event in my life these days) - God begins to show me how truly fearful I have been to step out of my warm comfy place. I was reading today in my new Brennan Manning Book (Souvenirs of Solitude) about this very idea of failure. Brennan writes, " Each of us pays a heavy price for our fear of falling flat on our faces. It assures the progressive narrowing of our personalities and prevents exploration and experimentation. As we get older, we do only the things we do well. There is no growth in Christ Jesus without some difficulty and fumbling. If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives."

Wow - I'm so challenged by those words and I feel like a scared little child when I think about "risking failure". My mind immediately goes please Lord don't let me be a failure as a mother, please don't let me fail as a wife, and please don't let hardship interfere with me looking good to the outside world. Those thoughts are so absurd - so lifeless - so empty and if the truth be known I fail at these things hourly - the difference might be NO ONE really Knows! Ha! Not unless you are secretly hiding in my house somewhere.

So here's to year 34 - may you be dependent enough on Jesus to live fully -to do away with laziness, looking good, feeling good, and snuggling up to a boring existence where you don't risk - experiment - and love fully.

Here's a prayer written by Nikos Kazantzakis:
I am a bow in your hands, Lord.
Draw me, lest I rot.
Do not overdraw me, Lord. I shall break.
Overdraw me, Lord, and who cares if I break?

Cruising in my 5.0 Pink Mustang...

2009-12-30T22:07:00.004-06:00

I have yet to upload my photos from Christmas but here are two that I took with my phone. As you see our little girl is now driving a pink Mustang - she speeds around here like she's been driving for years. I don't have time to write a post - packing for a night away (first night away from our boy). Heading to Atlanta tomorrow to cheer on the Tennessee Vols in the Chick-fil-a Bowl. We'll be bringing in the New Year at the Georgia Dome. Note to all readers - I am only a Tennessee fan when they are not playing the University of Alabama. It makes my husband happy to see me wearing orange so I concede for his benefit. Anyway, when we return I'll try to do a better Christmas post. Love to all!

My two little Christmas helpers...

2009-12-09T23:30:00.002-06:00

Okay Eli didn't really help decorate for Christmas but he supervised. I just loved this picture - Sydney Kate was so excited about putting up the Christmas tree and her excitement was contagious for us all. A couple of Sydney Kate quotes lately:

" Mom did you know baby Jesus laying in hay is TRUE!"
" Hey mom I know a funny choke" you mean Joke my sweet girl
" I'm older now and turtle necks don't make me jag anymore" - some would say gag

I love my children.....

Thanksgiving...

2009-12-01T10:32:00.004-06:00

Holidays for everyone can be kind of crazy but I have to say holidays with divorced parents can bring on a whole new kind of craziness. Both Todd and I have divorced parents which means we have 4 sets of parents (that's seven grandparents) to visit on any given holiday. In the beginning of our marriage we visited all the families in one holiday weekend! Talk about tired - we were worn out. So when Sydney Kate came into our lives we decided we just couldn't do it all and decided we could only do two families at a time. This year we spent the Thanksgiving weekend with my mom and dad. We had a great time - and you couldn't get more diversity if you tried! With my mom we braved Black friday in Atlanta and took the girls to the American Girl doll store. Amazingly it wasn't too crowded (God heard my prayers). The girls loved it! We had lunch in the bistro and then the dolls got their hair done in the salon. We finished off the trip with matching t-shirts for the girls and their dolls. Thanks Mom for a great trip! We then headed to my Dad's farm in Boaz, Alabama. The girls got a hay ride around the farm to see all the animals - we went fishing - fed the catfish, chickens, and the ducks. The highlight was ending our day roasting marshmellows and loving on Bubba (Dad's boxer). A great weekend had by all! I am very thankful for my family - it might be crazy to visit so many grandparents but its amazing how loved you feel when you have 7 parents/grandparents to love on you.

I'll be there late - trust me...

2009-11-10T11:18:00.004-06:00

Seriously, this is my new major problem - I'm always late! My time management issues run deep - to get 3 people dressed and out the door in a reasonable amount of time seems almost impossible most mornings. I have noticed my children always look really cute - dressed nice - hair fixed - etc. However I'm looking HORRIBLE these days. I just throw on the same jeans almost everyday and hope there is a shirt halfway ironed in the closet. How does it all get done? Clean the house, go to the grocery store, wash clothes, feed the baby, color with the 4 year old, work, kiss your husband, email, and finally fall asleep at midnight! Is this the life we all dreamed about when we were single? Nobody warned us and even if they did I know I wasn't listening. I wouldn't trade my crazy life but sometimes I'm convinced I'll always be the mom who never gets it all together - well I think that's where God wants us anyway. I'm glad He accepts me as I am - wrinkled shirt and all!

2009-10-13T17:31:00.002-05:00

A couple of blog worthy events...
1- Pumpkin Patch with good friends
2- My boy has the best smile ever!
3- My four year old daughter just asked me for a Snuggie for Christmas. Wow! I think Santa can make that happen... a blanket with sleeves is so practical for a 4 year old.
4- Had the flu over the weekend - took Eli to the doctor today because he was coughing. Thank God he does not have the flu but since I had it and he's coughing he is now on Tamiflu. I am terrified of him getting the flu this season!
5- Eli's best friend was just born - Ashley had a baby boy last week. Welcome to the world Harry!

My 9 month old - Oh I mean 11 week old...

2009-10-08T22:27:00.003-05:00

Okay take a good look at those rolls - it takes hard work to get rolls like that and Eli has been perfecting those rolls for 2.5 months now. Yes people my little big guy is weighing in at 15 pounds - and really I haven't weighed him in a few days so he might even be up to 16 lbs. Apparently breast feeding is going well? Eli is an amazing little baby. He is so content and happy - we are getting lots of smiles and little sounds now. It is the best thing to look at your little one and get a big toothless grin! Priceless!! Eli is sleeping through the night most nights - last night it was from 11pm to 7am. They say bigger babies sleep better and I guess I believe them.

So If you need to squeeze a big, fluffy, round and happy baby come on over.... he is the perfect size to squeeze and kiss!!

The Ervin cousins...

2009-10-08T22:22:00.002-05:00

We went to Chattanooga last weekend - based on tradition we always try to get a picture of all the cousins together. This is little Eli's first cousin picture. Aren't they all so cute!

Future Soccer Star?

2009-10-08T22:11:00.003-05:00

Okay maybe she's not the star of the team but she's for sure the prettiest! And the only girl. During her second game I was telling her to try to kick the ball in net - she informed me "Mom I'm trying but they keep taking it away - and THAT'S NOT VERY NICE!" Yea, I see your point... okay you can play basketball instead - I know the rules of that game.

Life...

2009-09-15T11:52:00.007-05:00

Lately it seems like all my days run together - one big blur for the last seven weeks! I love having my baby boy and my newborn doesn't look like a newborn much anymore... he's weighing in at 14.1 pounds!! So much for the 0-3 month clothes. Sydney Kate has been busy as well... she started K-4 and is going 4 days a week (only half days)... she shaved her legs for the first time (not very well evidenced by the 10 bandaides running down her leg... and on a daily basis she begs for us to buy her a puppy (which is not happening by the way!). So on top of all that fun I'm also getting back to work - which I'm pretty sure I never took a maternity leave from - but I'm offically getting back now. We've been in a building project all summer and it is almost complete - so we are going from being able to help 4 families to helping 8 families. My work life is about to be so very busy! Not sure how to balance life as a mom of a newborn and social worker of a big new program. If I talk about it too much I get a little stressed with how much needs to be done and how much hasn't been done. That's okay I'm a master at avoidance - I think I'll use my skills in this area to pretend like everything is perfect.

Well here's to Fall 09 - praying I get sleep sometime in the near future - hoping all my work gets done - praying my kids get a patient loving mom and Todd gets a more encouraging wife - and one last prayer...I would love to have a weekend away to hear the whisper of stillness! A girl can always dream...

Here's a few picture from our beach trip on Labor day with Nana and Grandad and cousin Paige!

Time to get out of the house...

2009-08-20T21:16:00.003-05:00

There is only so many days one can stay inside the house - I'm not the sit around type - and so today we took an outing to the botanical gardens. It was a beautiful and hot day. I wanted a few good pictures and Sydney Kate had her heart set on playing in the fountains. A good day had by all! But the best part of the day was when we returned home I was able to get both children to nap at the same time - and then I heard the angels singing - and for a brief minute I thought to myself having 2 isn't so bad. I'll remind myself of that at 3am tonight:)

3 weeks old...

2009-08-19T13:32:00.005-05:00

I can't type with one hand...

2009-08-16T21:03:00.003-05:00

So I figured out that I can do many things with one hand - help my 4 year old get dressed, change the channels of the tv, check my email and read current events on the internet, etc. But I haven't mastered typing with one hand. So now you have the reason there have been no posts to the blog since Eli's arrival. Plus I've really actually been down two hands - I have this strange post pregnancy rash called "PUPPS" and it is so evil! It the worst thing I've ever experienced - it itches like crazy all the time and nothing helps! I've now gone through one round of oral steriods, two tubes of steriod cream, and every "natural" remedy I can find on the internet. I usually have a brush in one hand and a baby in the other - I use the brush to scratch my skin in hopes it will help in some twisted way. Thankfully Eli has been an amazing little baby. He seems happy most of the time and laid back. I don't want to jinx myself but he has slept 4 -6 hour spans at night. So even if I'm itching like a crazy person at least I have a sweet baby boy.

Elijah Joseph Ervin... why this name?

2009-07-26T11:42:00.001-05:00

Elijah Joseph Ervin

To be honest when we decided on Eli’s name we didn’t give the meaning a lot of thought. I knew his name was obviously a strong biblical name and had great meaning but throughout this pregnancy I haven’t specifically studied the life of Elijah. Today I skipped church and sent the rest of the family – I needed a moment of silence – of reflection – time with the Lord to be thankful for the baby boy he has placed inside of me and I will soon meet.

Elijah = “The Lord is my God”. I pray this is true for Eli – there will never be a day he does not understand there is a loving God. No matter where you go or what you do remember your name – The Lord is your God.

Joseph = “God will increase”. Joseph was chosen because my dad’s name is Joseph. I’ve always said if I had the opportunity to have a son I would name him after my dad. A great man of honor, full of love, humble spirit, and solid. I hope those same qualities for Eli. I also believe God has blessed our family with a son – another child to add to our family after many trials to get him here – so perfectly Joseph means God will add/increase. God has already shown his love and power by soon adding Eli to our family and we are thankful.

1 Kings 19: 11-12
“Elijah, come into my presence. I’m going to pass by. Then God revealed himself in a gentle whisper”.

We long for our children to be in the presence of God – to know Him fully - To understand His love and grace for their lives. Not only to be in His presence but also to hear His gentle whisper – to me the whisper is like a strong embrace by a loving God. I pray my children experience the “gentle whisper” of the Lord throughout their lives.

Entering the final week...

2009-07-22T22:16:00.003-05:00

It really feels like I've been pregnant for a very long time. I am so ready to meet Eli and I'm so ready to be able to actually see my toes when standing. Went to the doctor this week and I was 2 centimeters dilated and 30% effaced - if I don't go into labor on my own this week then we will be thinking of inducing next week - possibly Tuesday or Wednesday. I will go to the doctor again on Monday and see if my body is progressing on its own and if so I'll go ahead with the induction - I just don't want to induce if my body isn't on board because I'm not signing up for a 15 hour plus labor if its not medically necessary. For those of you wondering sometimes if you induce without being ready then the drugs could set you up for a very long labor time. So I realized last night that I have taken no pictures of my growing belly - so for the sake of my son and history - I had Todd take a most wonderful picture.

"Mommy I can do it myself I'm four years old now".....

2009-07-19T19:57:00.004-05:00

My baby girl is now four years old - it seems like yesterday I was pregnant with her!! Sydney Kate has her daddy's personality all the way - always asking WHY - talking nonstop in the car - independent thinker (okay maybe that's me). She is a complete joy to have around and we miss her like crazy when she is away. Sydney Kate tells us all the time "Mommy you're my most favorite mommy ever" and "Daddy is my most favorite Boy". She loves without expectation of anything in return. I love my little girl and I'm honored to be the mom of the Best four year old ever!!

Our new theme song...

2009-07-12T23:39:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdpEyxS0988

37 weeks and running out of fuel...

2009-07-12T16:09:00.006-05:00

Seriously, this "nesting" business that comes with pregnancy is probably a good thing unless you have the amount of "stuff" I have to deal with before relaxing! I have waited to the absolute end of my pregnancy to do everything I planned to do - now I wake up out of a dead sleep to add one more thing to my list (which I keep by my bedside). Not sure I can allow myself to enter into labor until my list is complete - like I'll never be able to do anything again once Eli arrives. Silly thinking really - I think life exist beyond having two children? I must believe this to be true - I don't want to be a mom who has nothing else in her life to look forward to other than a dirty diaper or Noggin cartoons. So I keep telling myself life will continue when my little man arrives... hopefully he'll be a go with the flow kind of baby like his sister was. Soon to find out...

So my Mom and Mac came over last week and installed Eli's beautiful nursery - it is perfect! My mom has so much talent and I'm so glad she helps me! Not only did Eli get a new room but so did Sydney Kate... she got a beautiful Big Sister room! Now that I mentioned the rooms I better take a picture so you all can see my mom's talent.

Well I am 37 weeks - 3 weeks until my due date - but no one expects me to go all the way to my due date (maybe that's my wishful thinking)! This boy feels huge but my doctor predicts he'll be in the 8 pound range... we'll see if she is right? I go to the doctor on Wednesday to find out the progression - last week I was only dilated 1/2 centimeter. My doctor had the right perspective - At least it wasn't zero. I was personally hoping for 2 centimeters:) I'll keep everyone updated...

For anyone who wants to compare...

2009-06-15T21:22:00.003-05:00

Thought I would share my old blog - this is the blog I started four years ago when I was pregnant with Sydney Kate. There are ultrasound pics of Sydney Kate on there - I'm not sure if I would say they look alike - however both have big cheeks. Anyway, enjoy memory lane...

www.ervins.blogspot.com

Yawning...

2009-06-15T21:13:00.002-05:00

Sucking his thumb...

2009-06-15T21:12:00.002-05:00

His little hand up by his mouth...

2009-06-15T21:11:00.002-05:00

Lips and Mouth Open

2009-06-15T21:10:00.002-05:00

4D Ultrasound...

2009-06-15T20:52:00.004-05:00

I know it has been awhile since I've blogged last...good reason I promise! My computer was hit by lightening about a month ago. Granted we are lucky to have Todd's laptop from work but it is just not the same as my Apple computer. I'm the first to admit I'm totally spoiled with my computer - sorry to all you PC users but its just not as fun to work on this computer so I haven't been:) Another reason is because our computer is located upstairs in our playroom - which has been so HOT! Turns out we need two new air conditioning units. Plus we need a new roof. Plus as I mentioned in the above our computer, printer, and tv were hit by lightening. Please someone tell me why everything happens all at one time!! I will say we are extremly lucky that our insurance is covering the roof and all the electronics (everything except the air units). Anyway, all that to say sorry I've been a terrible blogger but I'm almost back. I should be getting my new Apple computer in about a week.

So today I'm 33 weeks pregnant. Went to have the 4D ultrasound - you have to pay for this ultrasound but I needed reassurance everything looked good with our little guy. Plus I really wanted to see how big he is - because he feels huge!! However the lady wouldn't measure him saying this was just an ultrasound to see his face:(

His face is really cute...but I think all mom's might say that...especially when you see a little face pushed into a small location and hope for a clear picture. I think he's cute but you can laugh if you need too:) One thing is for sure - he has big lips and likes to suck his thumb. Click on the above photos to enlarge.

Enjoy our first pictures of Elijah Joseph Ervin...we will be calling him Eli.

Tonsil surgery and more...

2009-05-08T15:37:00.006-05:00

I'm behind - I'm always behind these days in everything!! My most serious problem today is being behind in cleaning my house - I'm pretty sure we might all get swine flu from my bathroom floors. I use to be such a clean person - what has happened to me? Is it that my personality has changed since becoming a mother? Or am I just tired of cleaning up after everyone in my life? Maybe I should be more servant minded. Yes I would love to be in the mindset of thinking "I'm a stay at home mom so I should serve my husband and my family by cleaning our home." SORRY - its just not happening these days. I still love my husband and my daughter but they need to pick up their own underwear like I pick up mine. Can I get an amen!

Sydney Kate had surgery a week and half ago - had her tonsils removed and ear tubes once again. Poor child couldn't hear a thing - she kept telling me her "ears didn't work" and I kept thinking I was parenting wrong because my child would never do what I told her to do until I said it VERY loudly (some may call this a scream). She did great with surgery and of course was extremely pumped about eating popsicles everyday. The doctor told us to not let her play hard for at least 7 days - well that lasted about 7 hours! Surgery didn't deter her love for all food or for fun all the time. I'll share a few photos of our surgery day and then day three. The first picture is day three - she was so sad she couldn't go to school - so we had a picnic at the park. The second picture is when she came back to us after surgery - the last picture is before she went into surgery.

27 weeks pregnant this week! Just failed my glucose screen and so lucky me I get to go on Monday to take the 3 hours version. If they take away my Raisinetes I will be so sad! Say a little prayer Monday morning that I will pass this time around. I'm still measuring two weeks early - so I'm really thinking this little guy will be here sometime at the end of July. I already feel huge. I will post some pics of my pregnant self in my next post. Also I need to write a post about one of the books I mentioned a few posts ago - can I just say AMAZING and a must read for everyone. And believe it or not its not the Brennan Manning book (although I liked his book too). But more of that later....

Easter at the Beach...

2009-04-14T16:43:00.004-05:00

We had such a relaxing time at the beach - and celebrating Easter at the beach was awesome! We spent our days building sand castles in the sand and swimming in the pool ( note to all readers the pool was so cold but that didn't seem to bother my child). I for one would have loved to have spent more time in the hot tub but thought I better not boil the baby boy - so only my legs were lucky enough to soak in warmth. We celebrated easter by going to a short easter service on the beach... then to a breakfast buffet... and then to an easter egg hunt - complete with the easter bunny and face painting. A wonderful weekend of rest, reflection on Jesus, family time and good food:)

Blog slacker...

2009-03-30T15:25:00.011-05:00

For many weeks now I have had several blogs written in my mind but none of them have actually made it to the blog. I'm sure they would have been greatly entertaining writings of my uneventful life the last few weeks. The fact is I suffer from a defect that has plagued me my entire life....Procrastination. I have a list of things I want to get done and by the end of the week I look back and realize I only checked off one item - something crazy boring and mundane - dishwasher unloaded...check! So all the other 100 items on the list have either been forgotten or I simply chose to take my daughter to the park or take a nap.

Two weeks ago Todd and I went out for a date night (aka night without the 3 yr. old). It doesn't happen as often as we would like but when it happens we savor the moment. We did our usual dinner and a movie - after the movie we went to the bookstore - which I haven't done in a while. I felt extravagant for a minute and bought two new books. I didn't buy them at half.com or the used book section of Amazon. Nope - I went all the way and paid full price and enjoyed every minute of not feeling guilty for my purchases. For some of you this may be a surprise I'm trying to spend more wisely - save more money- clipping coupons - etc. But the point here is I needed (okay wanted) these books and I wasn't waiting seven days for them to arrive in the mail. I'm pretty sure you all need to also make these an upcoming purchase - so far both of these books have been amazing! Can I just say new book by Brennan Manning (The Furious Longing of God)- I should be naming our first born son after this man - I love his honesty that much. Side note for those who took that comment seriously ... no we're not naming our son Brennan although it is a cool name:) And the second book is by Ron Hall and Denver Moore titled "Same kind of different as me" - a biography of how these two very different men meet and how God works through unlikely people. I was told by a friend I had to read this book - thanks Lauren - I love it so far.

Still pregnant - 22 weeks down and 18 more to go!! I've been feeling like an old lady lately. At this early stage of my pregnancy I'm having some major back pain - I'm talking nothing takes the pain away except for laying down. My husband is tired of massaging my back - however I will say he hasn't complained once when I've asked - thank you Todd. I've become best friends with my heating pad and well I'm tired of being laid up like some old lady! Finally, today I went to the doctor and I've been referred to a physical therapist who I'm told can make miracles happen - I'm calling her as soon as I finish writing this blog. I guess I should add in order to write this blog I had to prop myself up with a pillow and unbutton my pants...what a wonderful visual!! On top of the back pains I've got another wonderful sinus infection. As I waited in the doctors office this morning I thought I might get mobbed by all the new moms with their newborn infants in strollers as I coughed for 30 minutes straight with germs flying through the waiting room. I told my doctor I was lucky to get out alive this morning. If looks could kill I would be dead!! i guess I should have taken a bottle of water with me instead of that Caramel Latte I was sporting.

Well more to come later.... I have lots of spring pictures to share of SK! Coming soon....

Big News....

2009-03-02T14:00:00.004-06:00

So today we had the big ultrasound - making sure all was well with this little one. We have four chambers of a heart, a good looking brain, and according to the ultrasound tech a long legged little BOY!!! I figured this little one would be tall (fits in good with this family) but since we are 3 for 3 with girls I wasn't really expecting a little boy. Of course we are both thrilled and just excited to be continuing on this pregnancy journey. All is good right now (I am 18 weeks along) just continue praying!! After the ultrasound today I felt like 20 pounds had been lifted - not that we are finished by any means - but something about seeing that little baby moving around so freely and healthy took away the anxiety I've been wrapped up in for 18 weeks. I expect there will still be moments of anxiety - all pregnant women have the scary thoughts and times - but the covering and all consuming anxiety I pray has just been removed.

Well we think we feel safe enough to tell Sydney Kate tonight - everybody keeps asking her what's in mommy's tummy and I keep telling her I've eaten too much (which I have:) ). I guess it is time to come clean and let her know the real truth. I'll let you know that reaction! I hope she's up for a little boy following her every move:)

I'm off to take a nap - my favorite hobby these days! love you all!

Being 33 and pregnant...

2009-02-05T14:19:00.005-06:00

I told my doctor yesterday that this pregnancy is making me feel old! Maybe I am old? I did just turn 33 last week - although its always comforting to know I'm still much younger than my husband. Seriously, I was dealing with some major anxiety last week with this pregnancy. To me I had entered the danger zone - the 2nd trimester. Yea, I know this is suppose to be the time you feel better but in my case this is dangerous time. I didn't have an appointment last week so I was lost in my own thought and did terrible things like goggling miscarriages and how to determine if you are still pregnant. Google can be a very dangerous place for the mind to travel.

Thankfully, I went to the doctor yesterday and heard the best sound ever - heartbeat! All seems to be good except my teenage looking skin (thank you hormones), my stomach looks as if I'm 20 weeks - seriously this baby is causing me major clothing crisis on a daily basis. I'm so not looking forward to maternity clothes - nothing yells old maid like those terrible huge shirts. However I'll take it all for the outcome of a precious little baby.

My favorite story of the week: I was putting on SK's rain coat so she could go to school. As I was pulling down her shirt sleeve I accidentally scraped her arm. She yells "Mommy don't hurt me - I'm PREGNANT!!" I said you don't know what pregnant means and she said yes I do because you were pregnant last summer at the water park (she remembers this because I couldn't ride the big rides with her and daddy). And then she tells me "I'm pregnant and soon I'll be having a baby puppy."

The best part is we haven't told SK about my pregnancy yet - and really don't expect to tell her until we feel a little bit safer. However, I was unaware that she knew the meaning of the word pregnancy. So I've been openly telling people I'm pregnant in front of her - and she has said nothing! Here I thought I was keeping some big secret from my 3 year old and all along she remembers information from last summer!! We're still not telling her even if she thinks she already knows. Smarty Pants:)

Pledge of Allegiance...

2009-01-20T15:05:00.003-06:00

In honor of our new president I thought I would allow my daughter to share her patriotism through her new skill of saying the pledge of allegiance. Isn't nice to know that our children are at least still learning things like this at school...

Limiting caffeine...

2009-01-16T15:09:00.003-06:00

If you know me at all you know that I start every morning with at least one cup of coffee - if not two. Then after dropping off Sydney Kate at school you can often find me at Panera Bread (pretending to work) and drinking yet another cup of java. And on a particularly good night you might even find me cruising through Starbucks drive through window ordering a low fat carmel Latte. In all accounts some of you might really think Jenn is addicted to caffeine - the drug of the century! I like to say I'm addicted to what makes me happy - coffee makes me happy and therefore I drink it a lot! All of that to say coffee is on the back burner these days - no craving for it. In fact I can't even think about making it in the morning anymore - and even typing that makes me sad. I guess this is how I'm announcing to those who don't know - I'm pregnant once again! I'm a little anxious about putting that announcement out there for all to see. Every time you say it or tell someone it becomes a little more real. We are so happy to be going down this road again but after two miscarriages there's something that tells you to hold back. Hold back from the reality that you really are experiencing this once again - hold back from having the normal expectations of pregnancy. I keep asking myself when I'll feel safe in this whole journey and I'm pretty sure the answer is the due date for this little one - August 4th.

If you know me deeply you know that at times I can be a master at "walling" up my emotions - if I don't feel then it won't hurt. I find myself there many days as I walk this pregnancy journey. I wake up in the mornings and wonder in my head if I still feel sick? Does my stomach look bigger? Am I tired? I'm starting to think that these anxious feelings leave me more drained than the actual pregnancy. I try to fill my thoughts with truth from God's word but to be honest even looking at truth reminds me this is real and maybe I should just try to make it to the next day then maybe just maybe this baby will be okay. I wish I could say I've been pouring over scripture for this child but really all I seem to be able to do is whisper little prayers throughout the day - Lord please protect this baby. So here we are - almost 12 weeks into this thing - and still a very long way to go. I get to see this little one every two weeks via ultrasound - thanks to my doctor who is doing everything possible to decrease my anxiety - last week this baby was enjoying all kinds of room to kick and punch - what a miracle it is to watch something so small moving around inside of you.

Hopefully, this post gives you a clue as to why I haven't posted anything since Thanksgiving. I just couldn't post this news and I'm not really sure I'm ready today. But no matter how anxious and scared and out of control I feel - I know God is in this and for some reason today I know for sure I'm carrying a little life inside of me and for a brief moment I'm okay in the unknown of the ending.

So pray for me - pray for my family that has to deal with a hormone filled pregnant woman who is now limiting her caffeine intake to one a day...

Thanksgiving...

2008-11-25T14:29:00.003-06:00

Well I decided there is no better way to say Happy Thanksgiving than to have my 3 year old do it for me. In case you need translation she is singing "Pilgrims and the Indians ate together...." I'm pretty sure you can get the rest.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Samford University Homecoming...

2008-11-06T14:58:00.008-06:00

Ten years ago I graduated from Samford. Sometimes it seems like a million years ago and other days it is like yesterday. I had a lot of fun reconnecting with old friends and seeing faces of people I haven't seen since graduation. Which by the way is so weird to see girls that you lived with for 4 years and feel like no time has passed. The only difference was the fact that most of them had multiple children running around their legs. One confession that needs to be shared - I went to the ZTA house to look at our composite picture and guess what I saw? My hair style is exactly the same as my senior year in college!! Apparently, it is official I have fallen off the style chart. Why hasn't anyone mentioned this to me - why is it that the guy who cuts my hair hasn't informed me of new styles? Oh well I guess the good news is that I looked pretty much the same as 10 years ago - no gray hair yet and I still feel 21 years old... even though I'm obviously not. By the way I sure missed my dear friends Brooke and Shawna! So girls here are a few pictures for your enjoyment of Samford 10 years later. By the way that is Todd and Sydney Kate riding in the hotair balloon - a fun Homecoming event!

First Ballet class...

2008-11-02T12:52:00.002-06:00

I took ballet as a child - I'm pretty sure they kicked me out. If they didn't kick me out I'm sure they meant too! I guess I have always been a basketball player at heart much to my mother's dismay. She always wanted the girly girl and I never quite fit that profile. My child is tall like her mom which automatically makes me think I might have a basketball star living in my home. Maybe to my dismay my dream of basketball stardom may never happen for SK so today we're living in the moment - living with a little ballerina. Maybe just maybe I've been blessed with a child that has rhythm - as long as it is not a requirement to have mother/daughter dance recitals we're in ballet for now. Plus the best thing ever is seeing a little round belly poking out the leotards... it doesn't get any better than that folks!!!!

A few pictures to share...

2008-11-01T11:03:00.006-05:00

Thought I would share a few fall pictures of us at the Pumpkin Patch and of course our "Scary Spider" that loved Halloween this year!! Click on the pictures to make them bigger....

Race for a Cure... goal completed!!

2008-10-11T21:53:00.006-05:00

We did it!! Ashley and I ran in the Race for a Cure this Saturday and it was AWESOME!!! There were over 10,000 runners - and thousands more cheering us on. We completed our 5k run in 35 minutes - we were so proud of us. Did I mention we are not natural born runners? This was our very first race and now we are hooked. The adrenalin rush was amazing - I felt like doing a little touchdown dance at the finish line. This race can also be so emotional seeing all of the breast cancer survivors walking around in their pink shirts - seeing the memorial signs for so many other women. The statistic is 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Very scary and very real to lots of families.

After the race we were treated with free Panera Bread, Starbucks coffee, and yogurt. This race knows me - all my favorite things! To top off my day I won a gift card to Academy Sports - they picked my number out of 10,000 other participants.... what are the chances?? Great day - Great run - Ran with purpose - With my Best friend beside me! You can't get any better than that. Put it on your calendar now and join us next October.

Mrs. Linda...

2008-10-06T23:55:00.003-05:00

This Saturday I'm running in The Race For A Cure along with my best friend Ashley - this is a race to raise awareness and money for breast cancer. I've been to this race many times over the years. Sadly never to run but to volunteer - or should I say mandated to volunteer when in college. I always hated getting up so early - I was tired - it was freezing cold -and I was made to be there. However the attitude starts to change when people start arriving at the race. Breast cancer survivors walking around everywhere with a sense of accomplishment... a battle well fought. As you survey the crowd you also notice an overwhelming sea of baldness. Women who are engaged in the battle of a lifetime. You also see men and children walking around holding signs that read "My mom is a survivor" or "My wife is a fighter". Even as a very selfish and self absorbed college student I knew I was surrounded by strength and faith I knew nothing about - I was in awe of these women and brought to tears by the battle scars of this cancer.

I decided to run this race after my miscarriage in August. This race became a goal... something I could control. I controlled how much I ran and how long. I controlled my training schedule - even controlled the actual sign up for the race. The miscarriage was anything but under my control. Okay so you get the point this race and the training process was all about ME. Again I was self absorbed about my issues and that is where my mindset has been as I have trained for this race. Until two weeks ago.

When you run in the race for the cure you wear your race number but you also can choose to run in honor of someone and write their name on your number - a survivor of breast cancer, someone who died of breast cancer, someone who is battling this cancer, etc. I've know since August I was going to run in honor of Mrs. Linda - who is a 8 year survivor of breast cancer. Mrs. Linda and her husband James work with me at the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes. They are the house parents for the homeless shelter I supervise - we call it the Family Care Program. I have worked with Mrs. Linda running this shelter for seven years. Together we have encountered so many interesting women and have heard almost every heart wrenching story there is to hear. We have experienced heart break over ladies who choose not to make wise decisions and we have experienced pure joy over ladies who change their lives and are no longer homeless - they have a chance.

Mrs. Linda is a gentle lady - very wise - very caring - a care taker. God has gifted her to be a teacher. She teaches me something every time I see her. She teaches me to serve my husband, to cook new things, she encourages me to continue when things seem hopeless. Most importantly she teaches ladies who have been given up on - the ladies in our shelter who have never experienced a mother's love. Mrs. Linda finds joy in the simple things of life - others are drawn to her.

So on Saturday I'm running for Mrs. Linda.

Two weeks ago she found out her breast cancer has returned. Tomorrow she will be having surgery with chemo and radiation to follow. All this falls on a planned retirement In November. This was her time to be free from anything that hindered and to travel the country with the man she loves. Instead she will be battling for her life... battling this cancer once again. Pray for Mrs. Linda. Pray God would overwhelm her with His love. Pray for healing.

This Saturday has become a lot less about me and a lot more about other people. Suddenly this week fatigue in running wasn't an option - its not an option for Mrs. Linda to feel too tired to receive chemo - so now running isn't about me or for me... it is for Mrs. Linda.

More pictures from our Arizona birthday trip...

2008-09-30T15:22:00.003-05:00

Living someone else's life...

2008-09-30T14:51:00.002-05:00

This weekend Todd and I took a mini-vacation to Scottsdale Arizona. It was completely amazing!! The kind of amazing where you wonder if other people are looking at you and wondering why you're there (maybe you don't belong with this crowd). I had the thought this weekend that somehow I must be living someone else's life - because what I was experiencing was complete bliss!!

Todd turned 40 years old last Thursday and for his birthday present we took a much needed trip away. We stayed at an amazing resort (The Boulders) in Scottdale and we were treated like royalty. We both spent time at the Golden Door Spa - can I just say best massage ever!! Plus Japanese spa, rain showers, and green tea cleanse. Yes we did it all!! After the spa we lounged by one of the pools and were treated with organic fruit smoothies. Todd also spent one day at a PGA golf course and played golf like the pros. It doesn't stop there... we then drive 1.5 hours to Sedona Arizona where we see the most beautiful red mountains. We decided we would like to do more than just see these mountains from a distance so we took a Jeep tour up to the top of the mountains - the view was breathtaking. After our tour of Sedona we headed back to Scottsdale but stopped at this fancy Italian restaurant to celebrate our last night in Arizona. I promise it was the best food that has ever touched these lips!

So Todd turned 40 years old in style and allowed me to enjoy it with him! I've got 7 years until my 40th - I think Todd should start planning my special trip now!

Above all the pampering we experienced this weekend - the best thing ever was to spend four whole days with my husband. No interruptions, no schedules, no pressures, no talk of what we need to get done - Rest and reconnection with the man I love dearly. I think sometimes the biggest gift we can give to our daughter is allowing her to see her parents spend time away in order to reconnect - letting her see our relationship is most important to us - this time rejuvenates us in order to be better parents, husband, and wife. Okay so it may not always be Arizona that we escape to but Starbucks is the next best thing for a good conversation with my man!

Best Friends...

2008-09-16T20:46:00.003-05:00

I feel like I’ve been spending a ton of quality time with my daughter lately. Yes I’m a stay at home mom so this should be a given – right? However, I’m pretty sure all our time wouldn’t fit into the “quality time” category. In fact many times as a mom I’m just enduring the day until Todd walks in the door. SK started school a few weeks ago so our time together has been shortened – now on the days she is home with me our time seems more like a gift than a burden. Last week we had our first full day at home – no errands to run, pjs all day, and we played baby dolls and kitchen all morning. As we were eating lunch SK looked at me and said “Mommy we are sitting beside each other and we are best friends”. Yes, my love we are best friends.

Can you image this very same scene with God. I’ve been pondering this question the last few days – as I sit and look around… do I notice my best friend in my everydayness of life … do I demand His time? I wish I could say yes because that would be so spiritual of me. The person I notice most in my everyday world is ME. I get tired of noticing my crap – my sin – my junk – my sadness. I don’t want to be a needy hurting person – I want to be the helper! I thought I had this all worked out with God but somehow things have gotten crossed. So some days I find myself begging God to show up because I need my best friend to come and meet me… I need to experience Him… otherwise it is all just surface Okayness.

Sydney Kate needs all of me – she needs her mom and her best friend and she runs to me in her need. I wish I could mirror this action with the Lord. Teach me to run to you Lord like she runs to me for every little thing.

What I'm looking forward to in the next few weeks...

2008-09-12T15:57:00.005-05:00

I love Fall - it always seems that I'm trying to fit 100 things in the few short months of Fall. There is absolutely nothing better than a crisp breezy fall day. When I think of fall I always go back to my Samford University days - skipping class and lounging on the quad with a view of a huge ridge full of color - the leaves were amazing! Also there was this one very special tree on the quad that had bright yellow leaves - ever made a snow angel in yellow leaves? I have!! I'm also gearing up for fall clothes - a light jacket, long sleeve shirt, and jeans. Love It!!

So I have lots of exciting things coming up...

In exactly two weeks Todd and I are leaving for his 40th birthday trip! Yep that's right I'm about to be married to a 40 year old - but please keep in mind I'm the much younger woman. We are going to Scottsdale Arizona to a golf and spa resort called The Boulders. Todd will play golf and I will be receiving a much needed massage. I'm so glad he decided to turn 40 this year because we both need this time away. No distractions - Just me and my husband!! Amazing!!

Then when we return from Arizona I will be running in The Race for the Cure. I guess I've been training for about 4 weeks now - I know I should be able to run 3 miles but I can't! I've been working out a lot over the last six months or so but it has been mostly interval training and strength training. So now I'm making the adjustment to running - never been my thing but it has always been a goal of mine to run in a race. It may be more like run/walk in a race but I'll finish!! Anybody want to join me - October 11th??

Also this fall I want to go camping, go back to the beach, and my 10 year Samford Reunion is in October. Lots to do and I'm looking forward to them all!!

Recent beach trip...

2008-09-09T20:40:00.005-05:00

I just found this cool new photo editing site called Picnik. I've been playing around with a few pictures - here is a recent picture of Sydney Kate taken on our last trip to the beach!! Minus hurricane Gustav we had a great time!!!!

How do you rest?

2008-09-03T15:42:00.006-05:00

Today my little girl started her three year old preschool class - three days a week she will be going to school. The freedom that gives me is a bit hard to contain - what do I do with all that time alone? I could clean my house, fold clothes, go to the grocery store, work, or I can do what gives me rest. I know the other things have to get done but I have to prioritize and many times if I'm not energized on the inside none of the other obligations will be done or at least done with a good attitude.

So today I loaded up my bag with a good book, my journal, and my bible. The big decision came once I dropped off Sydney Kate - none of this is planned in advance... which makes it much more enjoyable. Do I turn right or left? I ended up at Barnes and Noble cafe. But before I sat down to enjoy my Grande fat free caramel latte - I picked out three books to skim. I'm almost done with my current book so I'm on the look out for the next read. Finally I sit at the corner table. Not many people can see me right off but I have the whole view of the place - just in case I'm in the mood to veg out and people watch( My next favorite hobby). For two hours I read and soaked in a book about God's Grace. The truth is I don't remember the title of the book - not sure of the author either? All I know is I sat in one place for two hours with only this book, a great cup of coffee, and my thoughts. This is a rare event in a mom's life!

It has been hours since I left my cozy table at the cafe but my mind remains focused on thoughts of the Lord. I'm still walking through painful days - reminders of what has been taken - and days where I walk in great sadness. But most days I'm thankful for where I am despite the pain and brokenness. It seems we're all so busy doing life that when messiness enters in we search for where to put it on our to do lists. If it doesn't fit then we just ignore it. I'm so tired of ignoring what I really am... just one big mess in search of someone to clean me up - to hold me - to reaffirm my worth. Take a deep breath... find joy in resting ... get lost in thought about the Father's love for all of us - he especially loves the messy ones!
...................................................................................................................

I remained, lost in oblivion;
My face I reclined on the Beloved.
All ceased and I abandoned myself,
Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies.
- Saint John of the Cross

New Present for me...

2008-08-27T06:52:00.001-05:00

Sydney Kate's blessing from jennifer ervin on Vimeo.

I just bought myself a new flip video camera. It fits nice in my pocket and super easy to use. I felt like we were missing precious moments with Sydney Kate. I wanted to capture her expressions and the little things she does that I never want to forget. So if this works out you guys might be seeing lots of Sydney Kate videos. Aren't you excited!

This first video is SK singing the blessing at dinner. She always tells us it is her turn to say the blessing and never gives us a turn to say it - that's okay hers is more precious anyway! This has to make Jesus smile...enjoy!

Heading to the Beach...

2008-08-26T15:35:00.007-05:00

We are heading to the beach this weekend - hoping to get a much needed break from life. I find great joy in the silence of the beach - hearing the waves and feeling the ocean breeze on my face. Many times God has met me there - there on the beach with a 1,000 thoughts swirling in my mind God has come and quieted my soul. I pray that very same thing happens this weekend. Its kind of tricky to find quiet moments anywhere with a three year old - you must plan ahead!! And I've learned I have to give my husband a hint of my expectations for the weekend. I may be thinking I can't wait to have great time on the beach alone and he may be thinking lets stay together all day. Both are great thoughts but if he isn't on my page I have the tendency to be mad at him for not reading my mind.

Last week was bit challenging for me. I had my two week post-op visit with my doctor. I felt great leading up to the appointment but the closer I got to her office the faster my heart started beating. In my mind I dream up great fantasies - like I'll walk in here and my doctor will have all the answers. She'll know exactly what happened and what we need to do differently next time. Nothing will be a mystery and she will have everything under control! Fantasies rarely if ever come true. She didn't have all the answers but is willing to try anything next time around. So our next pregnancy doesn't sound all that relaxing to me (if pregnancy can be put in the same sentence with relaxing). I'll probably be giving myself shots in my belly, taking meds, and having weekly ultrasounds - all this for the "just in case" scenario. Because really at this point no body knows why these miscarriages keep happening. So again this is where I walk... I have days where I seem completely normal, I have days where I wish I were a huge fat pregnant woman, I have days where I experience the rest of Jesus, and I have days where I want to scream and kick on the floor. I get up every morning and know in my heart God has me here - its not glamorous or beautiful - it is just where He has me for today.

The Beauty in Three year olds...

2008-08-19T21:16:00.005-05:00

My daughter amazes me at her wisdom. Everyday I get something new that she has discovered - something she is passionate about. Over the last few weeks she has been passionate about our cats - Gracie and Knox. Sydney Kate tells me "Mommy I NEED to hold Gracie...it is comfortable for me." No matter how many times the cats claw their way out of her grip... she wakes up every morning desiring to hold her "kitty tats". She is passionate.

Sydney Kate was passionate about the arrival of a baby sister. Last night as I was tucking her into bed she asked (as she has many times in the last two weeks)... Why is our baby in Heaven? I told her because the baby was sick and wasn't growing anymore in Mommy's tummy. Sk replied by saying " The baby is with Jesus - if the baby is sick Jesus make her feel better. Right Mommy - Jesus make us feel better?" You see when Sydney Kate has a hard fall or she feels really sick we might stop and say a quick prayer to Jesus and ask him to help her heal and start feeling better. So last night my precious three year old wants to know why Jesus didn't make our baby feel better. I wish I had the answer for her - all I said was I don't know sweetheart... I don't know. Learning at a young age there is struggle and pain in this world.

My mom shared with me last week something else Sydney Kate told her granddad when she stayed with them during my surgery two weeks ago. She said "Granddad my baby crawled to Heaven -- it crawled because Granddad babies don't walk!"

To me these are special glimpses into my daughter's heart - in her own way she is dealing with death and with God. It is sweet for me to think God is loving on my 3 year old right now. My passionate and very articulate three year old has her own answers to where our baby is tonight... Jesus is making her feel better.

Real world happening with brain dead mom...

2008-08-19T20:28:00.005-05:00

Found this picture... I don't know this woman but somehow I think she captures the whole idea of being half alive - and maybe a little brain dead like I feel!

I feel like I'm back to the "real world" - last week I was functioning at half capacity but this week I'm having to make up for the last two weeks I wasn't willing to engage the world. Although as hard as I'm trying to keep it together - it never works out! This morning was suppose to be Sydney's first dentist appointment. I totally forgot! Never even crossed my mind!! The bad part is the dentist called me yesterday about 4pm to confirm. I didn't even call back to reschedule today - what do you say? Hi this is the brain dead mom who didn't bring her daughter in for her appointment. Maybe my brain will reappear but I'm not counting on it to happen anytime in the near future.

Over the last two weeks I've been keeping my mind occupied - I've read one book and I'm working on second. I read the first fiction book that I've read in years - The Shack. I don't want to go into theology with this book - I know there are a few things that are a little off - enough said. All I need to say is this story was exactly what I needed two weeks ago. I cried because I was so immersed in the story and also because I was reminded over and over how much love God has for me. I highly recommend this book. I'm now reading - My beautiful Idol by Pete Gall. Basically, Pete tells his story of how messed up his life has been... or I should say he acknowledges the messiness of living and experiencing God in all of it. I love books like this... reminds me a bit of Blue Like Jazz. This is not a neat and clean Christian feel good book - this book is edgy and raw - which is how I like it. I can't recommend the book as of yet - I'm only half way through. I try to make it a point to never recommend until I've completed the book ... I've been burned on this before.

I guess the moral here is I'm trying to enter back into the world. Not doing such a good job but living none the less.

One week down...

2008-08-13T14:07:00.003-05:00

I was really not wanting Monday to come. To me starting a new week signaled that I would need to function like normal... like nothing had ever happened. Todd would go back to work and I would be at home with SK and we would do our normal daily things. It sounds simple enough but functioning when you'd rather be in the bed indulging yourself in deep thoughts is much more appealing than moving on.

Apparently, I survived Monday and I guess in one way I've had to move forward. Over the last week I've been thinking the thought "Now what... what am I going to do with my year now that I'm not having a baby in February." When you become pregnant you start to have this pregnancy mindset. No caffeine (or very little) - I've overcome this mindset and have officially overdosed myself in caffeine related products in the last week. No overnight trips after February - I'm so planning a girl's weekend... and I need some sort of silent retreat. Exercise with caution - I've been doing more ab exercises in the last week than ever...and I feel every minute of it! I've got to get rid of the pregnant look. Also I was hoping to run in the Race for the Cure in October. I put that dream aside when I was pregnant - but now I'm about to start training. I'm really not a runner but it is something I want to accomplish. Anyone want to join me??

I don't intend to move past this experience anytime soon - I do intend to live life. Even if I wanted to be depressed in my bed for a long period of time my three year old wouldn't allow it. "Mommy let's play kitchen...let's play babies...let's ride our bikes." I'm very thankful for an endlessly cheerful little girl - she gives me a reason to get out of bed and not live in my depressed thoughts. Todd has been so good to give me space for my thoughts. I went last night to just sit and have coffee - alone with God and my endless thinking. No huge revelations. Just the continued message that I'm not here by accident and God is using this deeply to bring me closer to Him. I don't like how it had to happen but I like the outcome of intimacy. So for now this is where I will live.

Late night...

2008-08-10T02:36:00.002-05:00

It is 1:30am and I’m not tired at all!! I’m sure this will not be my reaction at 6am when my daughter comes to the edge of my bed and says, “Mommy I sleep good!” She says the same thing every morning – no matter if it is 5am, 6am, or 7am. Of course I’m glad she slept well but the fact is many times I have not! Apparently I’m not sleeping well tonight...

I probably should have taken the Lortab my wonderful doctor prescribed to me. The problem is I have no physical pain. So it goes against everything I know to take medicine just because you have it. Don’t get me wrong I have pain – just not physical pain. Today as I occupied myself with many small tasks I came to the simple conclusion that I wish I did feel physical pain from the surgery. I wish I felt pain physically the way that I feel it emotionally. People don’t “get” emotional pain. Everyone would say they get it but rarely do people enter into emotional pain with another person (I know it happens – its just rare okay!). However, everyone understands physical pain. When you stump your toe you know it hurts like Hell and you jump around trying not to cuss. We all know that feeling – we’ve all experienced it and we can immediately connect there. But when it comes to those emotions we cannot control and have no idea how they will look once they are released…those are scary to people –especially me. I like to deal with other people’s scary emotions just not mine. I’m a social worker…we like scary things that we can fix. The problem in this situation of mine is this is so beyond my fixing capabilities – again out of my control. I’m walking around in this haze of emotional instability and for some strange reason I’m okay that I’m not okay. Somewhere after that last sentence my mind keeps being drawn to the word - Faith and then I hear the word - Trust. Just beyond those words I hear being whispered to me… Jenn I am so fond of you and I love you more than you can comprehend. In this moment I feel the embrace of my precious heavenly Father – and nothing else really matters.

I guess good things do happen after 2am.

Maybe this post is for me - maybe God needed to meet me here tonight. You don't have to "get" my writing. You may even think I'm crazy. These writings are mainly for me and it helps me to get out those things I sit around and think about all day. I've just invited you to join me if you would like. But if it bothers you - you may want to stay away from this blog for a while. I'm pretty sure a lot more stuff may be said and it could look a little "raw" to some. I love you all.

Alive and mostly well...

2008-08-08T10:15:00.003-05:00

I'm glad Thursday is over - I'm not a big fan of hospitals. To me they are cold and smell funny. Plus "the plan" for my Thursday was not be in the hospital. I was suppose to be visiting my best friend in Atlanta. We were suppose to be hanging pictures in her new house and possibly shopping at one of my favorite stores. Simple things I guess but as I laid in the hospital waiting for the surgery I found myself asking the Lord - Why am I here again? What in the world are you doing here Jesus? Logical questions right.

My doctor comes in the room and acknowledges the fact that one year ago (plus two weeks) I was in the hospital for this very same reason. We both agree to try to arrange my next pregnancy around the month of August. And she agrees to give me drugs and warns me about the next few weeks of major hormone issues. I told her she should better warn Todd - he may want to take a vacation and come back in September.

So we had another little girl - we are 3 for 3. I must be destined to be a girl mom. Sydney Kate has been telling me from the beginning of this pregnancy that it was a little girl. I guess I should learn to listen to 3 year old wisdom. She wanted to name her sister Susie. I'm not fond of the name myself but Sydney Kate would not back down. Granted if Susie did make her way into this world I'm quite sure her name would not have been Susie. But in light of the situation I see no reason to change her name - I'll let my 3 year old have this one.
Today I am drug free. I feel like I've been sleeping for a week - although it was only 24 hours. This morning I found pleasure in the simple things - a pot of fully caffeinated coffee. Because I have not made any coffee in 3.5 months I didn't have any half & half - which I'd rather not have coffee if I don't have one of the main pleasures. To my delight I found whipped cream instead. Two cups of greatness.

As I made my coffee I noticed a book on my dining room table. I pulled this book out a few weeks ago to pass to a friend who is walking through a separation with her husband - obviously I still haven't gotten it to her. Its called The Healing Path by Dan Allender. I've read it before many years ago but today I began to read it again. A book written about pain we experience in our lives. Here's a quote: " The desert shatters the soul's arrogance and leaves the body and soul crying out in thirst and hunger. In the desert, we trust God or we die."

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. For this is where I pray my heart would rest.

Numb...

2008-08-06T21:02:00.003-05:00

Silence has been my friend today. No words seem quite right. I’m a total wreck and in many ways don’t really want to accept the reality that this pregnancy is over. I don’t think my heart and brain are connecting the facts that are in front of them – I want to be in a safer place where at least I have a little control. I guess that’s my underlying desire everyday (not that I want to admit it) but in times of pure pain I fight for control even more. I feel like someone keeps sneaking up and kicking me as hard as they can right in my chest – grasping for air – wanting to be rescued and wanting to protect myself. Surely all of this is a terrible dream and I’ll wake up tomorrow and continue through my mundane existence of predictability and control. Ah sad place to be really – I’ve never prayed for a mundane existence but when its gone I suddenly shrink in the shadow of the unknown. I’ve prayed for Jesus to be real in my life…for passion…for realness…honesty. I’m quite sure you don’t experience those things in a mundane, boring, and in control life.

So here I sit ripped apart emotionally once again as the baby that has been growing inside of me will not see life outside of me. One I’ll never hold, kiss, or smell. You might think there’s no attachment for a mother before the baby is born – simply not true. For me the reality that a little one is growing inside of me is apparent the day I read the pregnancy test. Suddenly our family is about to change…my body is about to change….plans change. So yesterday when I watched as the ultrasound tech sat quietly as she looked at my baby on the screen I knew immediately another change was on the way…grief.

Today I was given a little gift -- I listened to Sydney Kate tell her grandmother our family news. She looked at my mom and said, “Nana our baby is going to heaven. We went to hear the heartbeat but there was none. We’re all sad (a few seconds later) but sometimes we’re happy.” I listened to her today and cried and thought I want to say it that way. I want to trust that my God is good and in His goodness this is the plan – our baby is in heaven and we are sad but we will find joy in the sadness.

We are pressed but not crushed…perplexed but don’t despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned.
We are no longer slaves – we are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life nor present
Nor future nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ.

I very much need reminders of truth especially when I’m grasping for air. Today I found them in the above - a song full of scripture that I sang loudly with many tears.

Tomorrow at 9:45am I will hopefully be fully drugged and unaware of my surroundings and what is happening. Please pray that the D&C procedure goes smoothly and with the help of drugs I would sleep all day. I love you all – thank you for the encouraging emails and phone calls – we feel deeply loved.

I'm not dead just 10 weeks pregnant...

2008-07-16T14:39:00.005-05:00

Okay so I haven't posted in about two months and really I don't want to excuse my lack of blogging. But I am 10 weeks pregnant and feeling not so great these days. When I have time to sit at the computer in silence I'm either feeling sick or extremely tired. I've taken more naps in the last 10 weeks than I have in the past 5 years. Maybe this pregnancy is different because I'm just getting older?? I'm hoping the 2nd trimester will be better in energy levels and hopefully I won't feel so crappy. I've decided I'm just not one of these women who love being pregnant - I like the outcome but I hate my body being taken over for 9 months!! Thought I'd post a few pics of Sydney Kate. The first one shows off her very first fish. Her Pappy and Granny Jo gave her a Dora fishing pole while we were visiting on July 4th. She was so excited to go fishing - and lucky for us the fish were biting! The second few pictures is Sydney Kate with her best friend Ike (they call each other Ya Ya). I just love these pictures of them and I'm considering setting up an arranged marriage.

Keep checking back I'm rededicating myself to the blog - I promise!

Beach Trip...

2008-05-28T08:40:00.002-05:00

We just returned from the beach and had a great time. All weekend we only did two major things: rest and relax. Sydney Kate had so much fun playing with her cousin Paige - and they both had a blast swimming/jumping into the pool. All the way home Sydney Kate would say "I don't want to go home...back to Nana's beach house!" Of course everyone in the car felt the same way but Todd and I decided not to whine about it. Here are a few photos from our trip.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star by Sydney Kate Ervin

2008-05-12T20:25:00.003-05:00

So of course I love it when my little girl sings... in order to bring you all a little joy for your day here is my precious child doing her best to remember the words of Twinkle Twinkle.

Just thoughts....

2008-04-23T15:12:00.006-05:00

This weekend we decided to skip church and have a day of "rest". So we loaded up in the car with a picnic basket full of food and ended up at Oak Mountain State park. I enjoyed my husband... my child wasn't whinny... we simply had a perfect spring day. No worries, no talk of things we haven't accomplished, no nagging, no negative statements, no timeouts (this one only applies to SK because many days I wish someone would put me in timeout) - we simply enjoyed the company of each other. I wish I could say this is a typical day in the Ervin Household... but that wouldn't be exactly the truth.

I've been pondering a song by Sara Groves. It is called Less Like Scars. There is one verse that always stops me when I hear this song.
" Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you
And I feel you
And I know you're here"

When I hear this song I'm immediately challenged by her desperation and the faith she has in the Lord. Where is my desperation? Have I experienced desperation? Yes many times - and most recently a miscarriage eight months ago. I felt the desperation in the moment of my grief - but then I moved on to more self sufficiency. I left the desperation for something I could control...I left it for a more mundane existence. Which gives me the chills to think - because in reality mundane can't even compete with desperation. Not to say I want tragedy in my life - no I just want more reliance in the Lord. I want to wake up everyday thinking I need Him, I want Him, I feel Him, and trusting that He is there.

Easter weekend

2008-03-24T16:53:00.001-05:00

Easter weekend, originally uploaded by jennervin20.

Here are a few pics from our Easter weekend. We went to my Dad's farm and Sydney Kate got to be a cowboy. I tried to get her to say she was a cowgirl but she said, " No I a cowboy mommy." So as anyone trained in play therapy would respond...Sydney Kate you can be anything you want to be at Pappy's house. For you non-therapist people I know that makes no sense - so bare with me. Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Trying to uncover my structured self...

2008-03-21T14:55:00.000-05:00

So I remember a long time ago (my life before Sydney Kate) I was once a structured and organized person. I thrived on completing a list and accomplishing things in a timely fashion. I thought of myself as being clean, organized, and basically the model employee/friend/wife/etc. I write this blog as a confession...

My life as I knew it has gone to HELL!!! I'm a complete disaster. My house is a wreck...I have clutter sitting on every available surface. My dining room table is now the extension of my laundry room...with clean clothes piled to the chandler (because who likes to fold and put away clothes). The once clean freak has disappeared and this alien person has replaced her. I wonder what a complete stranger would say about me if they entered my house. Would they look at my laundry and suppose I'm lazy? Would they look at the pile of books on my bedside table and suppose I'm the type to never finish one project before starting another? All those examples to pose this one question. Does my environment explain who I am on the inside?

Lately, I'm pretty convinced my environment is telling a little bit about my inner restlessness. I truly believe the Lord has brought disorder and struggle to my life to teach me a very important lesson...I have to believe that God is fond of me even when I'm a mess. These last six months have been full of struggle but God continues to show me that He is fond of me - trust in what you know is true -trust that I love you and the work I have begun I will complete. The title of this blog "Journey To Transparency" is my desire. I'm tired of being picture perfect outwardly and not sharing struggle. After all who wants to be around someone who has it all together. As Brennan Manning says, " Give up trying to look like a saint. It'll be a lot better for everybody." So I'm hoping this blog will be a small glimpse of my journey towards transparency...what does it look like in my marriage with Todd...as a mom with Sydney Kate...as a friend...as a social worker...etc. Oh and of course I'm sure this blog will include many pictures of my best girl Sydney Kate. Love to you all!!