Easter at the Beach...

We had such a relaxing time at the beach - and celebrating Easter at the beach was awesome! We spent our days building sand castles in the sand and swimming in the pool ( note to all readers the pool was so cold but that didn't seem to bother my child). I for one would have loved to have spent more time in the hot tub but thought I better not boil the baby boy - so only my legs were lucky enough to soak in warmth. We celebrated easter by going to a short easter service on the beach... then to a breakfast buffet... and then to an easter egg hunt - complete with the easter bunny and face painting. A wonderful weekend of rest, reflection on Jesus, family time and good food:)

Blog slacker...

For many weeks now I have had several blogs written in my mind but none of them have actually made it to the blog. I'm sure they would have been greatly entertaining writings of my uneventful life the last few weeks. The fact is I suffer from a defect that has plagued me my entire life....Procrastination. I have a list of things I want to get done and by the end of the week I look back and realize I only checked off one item - something crazy boring and mundane - dishwasher unloaded...check! So all the other 100 items on the list have either been forgotten or I simply chose to take my daughter to the park or take a nap.

Two weeks ago Todd and I went out for a date night (aka night without the 3 yr. old). It doesn't happen as often as we would like but when it happens we savor the moment. We did our usual dinner and a movie - after the movie we went to the bookstore - which I haven't done in a while. I felt extravagant for a minute and bought two new books. I didn't buy them at half.com or the used book section of Amazon. Nope - I went all the way and paid full price and enjoyed every minute of not feeling guilty for my purchases. For some of you this may be a surprise I'm trying to spend more wisely - save more money- clipping coupons - etc. But the point here is I needed (okay wanted) these books and I wasn't waiting seven days for them to arrive in the mail. I'm pretty sure you all need to also make these an upcoming purchase - so far both of these books have been amazing! Can I just say new book by Brennan Manning (The Furious Longing of God)- I should be naming our first born son after this man - I love his honesty that much. Side note for those who took that comment seriously ... no we're not naming our son Brennan although it is a cool name:) And the second book is by Ron Hall and Denver Moore titled "Same kind of different as me" - a biography of how these two very different men meet and how God works through unlikely people. I was told by a friend I had to read this book - thanks Lauren - I love it so far.

Still pregnant - 22 weeks down and 18 more to go!! I've been feeling like an old lady lately. At this early stage of my pregnancy I'm having some major back pain - I'm talking nothing takes the pain away except for laying down. My husband is tired of massaging my back - however I will say he hasn't complained once when I've asked - thank you Todd. I've become best friends with my heating pad and well I'm tired of being laid up like some old lady! Finally, today I went to the doctor and I've been referred to a physical therapist who I'm told can make miracles happen - I'm calling her as soon as I finish writing this blog. I guess I should add in order to write this blog I had to prop myself up with a pillow and unbutton my pants...what a wonderful visual!! On top of the back pains I've got another wonderful sinus infection. As I waited in the doctors office this morning I thought I might get mobbed by all the new moms with their newborn infants in strollers as I coughed for 30 minutes straight with germs flying through the waiting room. I told my doctor I was lucky to get out alive this morning. If looks could kill I would be dead!! i guess I should have taken a bottle of water with me instead of that Caramel Latte I was sporting.

Well more to come later.... I have lots of spring pictures to share of SK! Coming soon....

Big News....

So today we had the big ultrasound - making sure all was well with this little one. We have four chambers of a heart, a good looking brain, and according to the ultrasound tech a long legged little BOY!!! I figured this little one would be tall (fits in good with this family) but since we are 3 for 3 with girls I wasn't really expecting a little boy. Of course we are both thrilled and just excited to be continuing on this pregnancy journey. All is good right now (I am 18 weeks along) just continue praying!! After the ultrasound today I felt like 20 pounds had been lifted - not that we are finished by any means - but something about seeing that little baby moving around so freely and healthy took away the anxiety I've been wrapped up in for 18 weeks. I expect there will still be moments of anxiety - all pregnant women have the scary thoughts and times - but the covering and all consuming anxiety I pray has just been removed.

Well we think we feel safe enough to tell Sydney Kate tonight - everybody keeps asking her what's in mommy's tummy and I keep telling her I've eaten too much (which I have:) ). I guess it is time to come clean and let her know the real truth. I'll let you know that reaction! I hope she's up for a little boy following her every move:)

I'm off to take a nap - my favorite hobby these days! love you all!

Being 33 and pregnant...

I told my doctor yesterday that this pregnancy is making me feel old! Maybe I am old? I did just turn 33 last week - although its always comforting to know I'm still much younger than my husband. Seriously, I was dealing with some major anxiety last week with this pregnancy. To me I had entered the danger zone - the 2nd trimester. Yea, I know this is suppose to be the time you feel better but in my case this is dangerous time. I didn't have an appointment last week so I was lost in my own thought and did terrible things like goggling miscarriages and how to determine if you are still pregnant. Google can be a very dangerous place for the mind to travel.

Thankfully, I went to the doctor yesterday and heard the best sound ever - heartbeat! All seems to be good except my teenage looking skin (thank you hormones), my stomach looks as if I'm 20 weeks - seriously this baby is causing me major clothing crisis on a daily basis. I'm so not looking forward to maternity clothes - nothing yells old maid like those terrible huge shirts. However I'll take it all for the outcome of a precious little baby.

My favorite story of the week: I was putting on SK's rain coat so she could go to school. As I was pulling down her shirt sleeve I accidentally scraped her arm. She yells "Mommy don't hurt me - I'm PREGNANT!!" I said you don't know what pregnant means and she said yes I do because you were pregnant last summer at the water park (she remembers this because I couldn't ride the big rides with her and daddy). And then she tells me "I'm pregnant and soon I'll be having a baby puppy."

The best part is we haven't told SK about my pregnancy yet - and really don't expect to tell her until we feel a little bit safer. However, I was unaware that she knew the meaning of the word pregnancy. So I've been openly telling people I'm pregnant in front of her - and she has said nothing! Here I thought I was keeping some big secret from my 3 year old and all along she remembers information from last summer!! We're still not telling her even if she thinks she already knows. Smarty Pants:)

Pledge of Allegiance...

In honor of our new president I thought I would allow my daughter to share her patriotism through her new skill of saying the pledge of allegiance. Isn't nice to know that our children are at least still learning things like this at school...

Limiting caffeine...

If you know me at all you know that I start every morning with at least one cup of coffee - if not two. Then after dropping off Sydney Kate at school you can often find me at Panera Bread (pretending to work) and drinking yet another cup of java. And on a particularly good night you might even find me cruising through Starbucks drive through window ordering a low fat carmel Latte. In all accounts some of you might really think Jenn is addicted to caffeine - the drug of the century! I like to say I'm addicted to what makes me happy - coffee makes me happy and therefore I drink it a lot! All of that to say coffee is on the back burner these days - no craving for it. In fact I can't even think about making it in the morning anymore - and even typing that makes me sad. I guess this is how I'm announcing to those who don't know - I'm pregnant once again! I'm a little anxious about putting that announcement out there for all to see. Every time you say it or tell someone it becomes a little more real. We are so happy to be going down this road again but after two miscarriages there's something that tells you to hold back. Hold back from the reality that you really are experiencing this once again - hold back from having the normal expectations of pregnancy. I keep asking myself when I'll feel safe in this whole journey and I'm pretty sure the answer is the due date for this little one - August 4th.

If you know me deeply you know that at times I can be a master at "walling" up my emotions - if I don't feel then it won't hurt. I find myself there many days as I walk this pregnancy journey. I wake up in the mornings and wonder in my head if I still feel sick? Does my stomach look bigger? Am I tired? I'm starting to think that these anxious feelings leave me more drained than the actual pregnancy. I try to fill my thoughts with truth from God's word but to be honest even looking at truth reminds me this is real and maybe I should just try to make it to the next day then maybe just maybe this baby will be okay. I wish I could say I've been pouring over scripture for this child but really all I seem to be able to do is whisper little prayers throughout the day - Lord please protect this baby. So here we are - almost 12 weeks into this thing - and still a very long way to go. I get to see this little one every two weeks via ultrasound - thanks to my doctor who is doing everything possible to decrease my anxiety - last week this baby was enjoying all kinds of room to kick and punch - what a miracle it is to watch something so small moving around inside of you.

Hopefully, this post gives you a clue as to why I haven't posted anything since Thanksgiving. I just couldn't post this news and I'm not really sure I'm ready today. But no matter how anxious and scared and out of control I feel - I know God is in this and for some reason today I know for sure I'm carrying a little life inside of me and for a brief moment I'm okay in the unknown of the ending.

So pray for me - pray for my family that has to deal with a hormone filled pregnant woman who is now limiting her caffeine intake to one a day...

Thanksgiving...

Well I decided there is no better way to say Happy Thanksgiving than to have my 3 year old do it for me. In case you need translation she is singing "Pilgrims and the Indians ate together...." I'm pretty sure you can get the rest.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Samford University Homecoming...

Ten years ago I graduated from Samford. Sometimes it seems like a million years ago and other days it is like yesterday. I had a lot of fun reconnecting with old friends and seeing faces of people I haven't seen since graduation. Which by the way is so weird to see girls that you lived with for 4 years and feel like no time has passed. The only difference was the fact that most of them had multiple children running around their legs. One confession that needs to be shared - I went to the ZTA house to look at our composite picture and guess what I saw? My hair style is exactly the same as my senior year in college!! Apparently, it is official I have fallen off the style chart. Why hasn't anyone mentioned this to me - why is it that the guy who cuts my hair hasn't informed me of new styles? Oh well I guess the good news is that I looked pretty much the same as 10 years ago - no gray hair yet and I still feel 21 years old... even though I'm obviously not. By the way I sure missed my dear friends Brooke and Shawna! So girls here are a few pictures for your enjoyment of Samford 10 years later. By the way that is Todd and Sydney Kate riding in the hotair balloon - a fun Homecoming event!

First Ballet class...

I took ballet as a child - I'm pretty sure they kicked me out. If they didn't kick me out I'm sure they meant too! I guess I have always been a basketball player at heart much to my mother's dismay. She always wanted the girly girl and I never quite fit that profile. My child is tall like her mom which automatically makes me think I might have a basketball star living in my home. Maybe to my dismay my dream of basketball stardom may never happen for SK so today we're living in the moment - living with a little ballerina. Maybe just maybe I've been blessed with a child that has rhythm - as long as it is not a requirement to have mother/daughter dance recitals we're in ballet for now. Plus the best thing ever is seeing a little round belly poking out the leotards... it doesn't get any better than that folks!!!!

A few pictures to share...

Thought I would share a few fall pictures of us at the Pumpkin Patch and of course our "Scary Spider" that loved Halloween this year!! Click on the pictures to make them bigger....

Race for a Cure... goal completed!!

We did it!! Ashley and I ran in the Race for a Cure this Saturday and it was AWESOME!!! There were over 10,000 runners - and thousands more cheering us on. We completed our 5k run in 35 minutes - we were so proud of us. Did I mention we are not natural born runners? This was our very first race and now we are hooked. The adrenalin rush was amazing - I felt like doing a little touchdown dance at the finish line. This race can also be so emotional seeing all of the breast cancer survivors walking around in their pink shirts - seeing the memorial signs for so many other women. The statistic is 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Very scary and very real to lots of families.

After the race we were treated with free Panera Bread, Starbucks coffee, and yogurt. This race knows me - all my favorite things! To top off my day I won a gift card to Academy Sports - they picked my number out of 10,000 other participants.... what are the chances?? Great day - Great run - Ran with purpose - With my Best friend beside me! You can't get any better than that. Put it on your calendar now and join us next October.

Mrs. Linda...

This Saturday I'm running in The Race For A Cure along with my best friend Ashley - this is a race to raise awareness and money for breast cancer. I've been to this race many times over the years. Sadly never to run but to volunteer - or should I say mandated to volunteer when in college. I always hated getting up so early - I was tired - it was freezing cold -and I was made to be there. However the attitude starts to change when people start arriving at the race. Breast cancer survivors walking around everywhere with a sense of accomplishment... a battle well fought. As you survey the crowd you also notice an overwhelming sea of baldness. Women who are engaged in the battle of a lifetime. You also see men and children walking around holding signs that read "My mom is a survivor" or "My wife is a fighter". Even as a very selfish and self absorbed college student I knew I was surrounded by strength and faith I knew nothing about - I was in awe of these women and brought to tears by the battle scars of this cancer.

I decided to run this race after my miscarriage in August. This race became a goal... something I could control. I controlled how much I ran and how long. I controlled my training schedule - even controlled the actual sign up for the race. The miscarriage was anything but under my control. Okay so you get the point this race and the training process was all about ME. Again I was self absorbed about my issues and that is where my mindset has been as I have trained for this race. Until two weeks ago.

When you run in the race for the cure you wear your race number but you also can choose to run in honor of someone and write their name on your number - a survivor of breast cancer, someone who died of breast cancer, someone who is battling this cancer, etc. I've know since August I was going to run in honor of Mrs. Linda - who is a 8 year survivor of breast cancer. Mrs. Linda and her husband James work with me at the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes. They are the house parents for the homeless shelter I supervise - we call it the Family Care Program. I have worked with Mrs. Linda running this shelter for seven years. Together we have encountered so many interesting women and have heard almost every heart wrenching story there is to hear. We have experienced heart break over ladies who choose not to make wise decisions and we have experienced pure joy over ladies who change their lives and are no longer homeless - they have a chance.

Mrs. Linda is a gentle lady - very wise - very caring - a care taker. God has gifted her to be a teacher. She teaches me something every time I see her. She teaches me to serve my husband, to cook new things, she encourages me to continue when things seem hopeless. Most importantly she teaches ladies who have been given up on - the ladies in our shelter who have never experienced a mother's love. Mrs. Linda finds joy in the simple things of life - others are drawn to her.

So on Saturday I'm running for Mrs. Linda.

Two weeks ago she found out her breast cancer has returned. Tomorrow she will be having surgery with chemo and radiation to follow. All this falls on a planned retirement In November. This was her time to be free from anything that hindered and to travel the country with the man she loves. Instead she will be battling for her life... battling this cancer once again. Pray for Mrs. Linda. Pray God would overwhelm her with His love. Pray for healing.

This Saturday has become a lot less about me and a lot more about other people. Suddenly this week fatigue in running wasn't an option - its not an option for Mrs. Linda to feel too tired to receive chemo - so now running isn't about me or for me... it is for Mrs. Linda.

More pictures from our Arizona birthday trip...

Living someone else's life...

This weekend Todd and I took a mini-vacation to Scottsdale Arizona. It was completely amazing!! The kind of amazing where you wonder if other people are looking at you and wondering why you're there (maybe you don't belong with this crowd). I had the thought this weekend that somehow I must be living someone else's life - because what I was experiencing was complete bliss!!

Todd turned 40 years old last Thursday and for his birthday present we took a much needed trip away. We stayed at an amazing resort (The Boulders) in Scottdale and we were treated like royalty. We both spent time at the Golden Door Spa - can I just say best massage ever!! Plus Japanese spa, rain showers, and green tea cleanse. Yes we did it all!! After the spa we lounged by one of the pools and were treated with organic fruit smoothies. Todd also spent one day at a PGA golf course and played golf like the pros. It doesn't stop there... we then drive 1.5 hours to Sedona Arizona where we see the most beautiful red mountains. We decided we would like to do more than just see these mountains from a distance so we took a Jeep tour up to the top of the mountains - the view was breathtaking. After our tour of Sedona we headed back to Scottsdale but stopped at this fancy Italian restaurant to celebrate our last night in Arizona. I promise it was the best food that has ever touched these lips!

So Todd turned 40 years old in style and allowed me to enjoy it with him! I've got 7 years until my 40th - I think Todd should start planning my special trip now!

Above all the pampering we experienced this weekend - the best thing ever was to spend four whole days with my husband. No interruptions, no schedules, no pressures, no talk of what we need to get done - Rest and reconnection with the man I love dearly. I think sometimes the biggest gift we can give to our daughter is allowing her to see her parents spend time away in order to reconnect - letting her see our relationship is most important to us - this time rejuvenates us in order to be better parents, husband, and wife. Okay so it may not always be Arizona that we escape to but Starbucks is the next best thing for a good conversation with my man!

Best Friends...

I feel like I’ve been spending a ton of quality time with my daughter lately. Yes I’m a stay at home mom so this should be a given – right? However, I’m pretty sure all our time wouldn’t fit into the “quality time” category. In fact many times as a mom I’m just enduring the day until Todd walks in the door. SK started school a few weeks ago so our time together has been shortened – now on the days she is home with me our time seems more like a gift than a burden. Last week we had our first full day at home – no errands to run, pjs all day, and we played baby dolls and kitchen all morning. As we were eating lunch SK looked at me and said “Mommy we are sitting beside each other and we are best friends”. Yes, my love we are best friends.

Can you image this very same scene with God. I’ve been pondering this question the last few days – as I sit and look around… do I notice my best friend in my everydayness of life … do I demand His time? I wish I could say yes because that would be so spiritual of me. The person I notice most in my everyday world is ME. I get tired of noticing my crap – my sin – my junk – my sadness. I don’t want to be a needy hurting person – I want to be the helper! I thought I had this all worked out with God but somehow things have gotten crossed. So some days I find myself begging God to show up because I need my best friend to come and meet me… I need to experience Him… otherwise it is all just surface Okayness.

Sydney Kate needs all of me – she needs her mom and her best friend and she runs to me in her need. I wish I could mirror this action with the Lord. Teach me to run to you Lord like she runs to me for every little thing.

What I'm looking forward to in the next few weeks...

I love Fall - it always seems that I'm trying to fit 100 things in the few short months of Fall. There is absolutely nothing better than a crisp breezy fall day. When I think of fall I always go back to my Samford University days - skipping class and lounging on the quad with a view of a huge ridge full of color - the leaves were amazing! Also there was this one very special tree on the quad that had bright yellow leaves - ever made a snow angel in yellow leaves? I have!! I'm also gearing up for fall clothes - a light jacket, long sleeve shirt, and jeans. Love It!!

So I have lots of exciting things coming up...

In exactly two weeks Todd and I are leaving for his 40th birthday trip! Yep that's right I'm about to be married to a 40 year old - but please keep in mind I'm the much younger woman. We are going to Scottsdale Arizona to a golf and spa resort called The Boulders. Todd will play golf and I will be receiving a much needed massage. I'm so glad he decided to turn 40 this year because we both need this time away. No distractions - Just me and my husband!! Amazing!!

Then when we return from Arizona I will be running in The Race for the Cure. I guess I've been training for about 4 weeks now - I know I should be able to run 3 miles but I can't! I've been working out a lot over the last six months or so but it has been mostly interval training and strength training. So now I'm making the adjustment to running - never been my thing but it has always been a goal of mine to run in a race. It may be more like run/walk in a race but I'll finish!! Anybody want to join me - October 11th??

Also this fall I want to go camping, go back to the beach, and my 10 year Samford Reunion is in October. Lots to do and I'm looking forward to them all!!

Recent beach trip...

I just found this cool new photo editing site called Picnik. I've been playing around with a few pictures - here is a recent picture of Sydney Kate taken on our last trip to the beach!! Minus hurricane Gustav we had a great time!!!!

How do you rest?

Today my little girl started her three year old preschool class - three days a week she will be going to school. The freedom that gives me is a bit hard to contain - what do I do with all that time alone? I could clean my house, fold clothes, go to the grocery store, work, or I can do what gives me rest. I know the other things have to get done but I have to prioritize and many times if I'm not energized on the inside none of the other obligations will be done or at least done with a good attitude.

So today I loaded up my bag with a good book, my journal, and my bible. The big decision came once I dropped off Sydney Kate - none of this is planned in advance... which makes it much more enjoyable. Do I turn right or left? I ended up at Barnes and Noble cafe. But before I sat down to enjoy my Grande fat free caramel latte - I picked out three books to skim. I'm almost done with my current book so I'm on the look out for the next read. Finally I sit at the corner table. Not many people can see me right off but I have the whole view of the place - just in case I'm in the mood to veg out and people watch( My next favorite hobby). For two hours I read and soaked in a book about God's Grace. The truth is I don't remember the title of the book - not sure of the author either? All I know is I sat in one place for two hours with only this book, a great cup of coffee, and my thoughts. This is a rare event in a mom's life!

It has been hours since I left my cozy table at the cafe but my mind remains focused on thoughts of the Lord. I'm still walking through painful days - reminders of what has been taken - and days where I walk in great sadness. But most days I'm thankful for where I am despite the pain and brokenness. It seems we're all so busy doing life that when messiness enters in we search for where to put it on our to do lists. If it doesn't fit then we just ignore it. I'm so tired of ignoring what I really am... just one big mess in search of someone to clean me up - to hold me - to reaffirm my worth. Take a deep breath... find joy in resting ... get lost in thought about the Father's love for all of us - he especially loves the messy ones!
...................................................................................................................

I remained, lost in oblivion;
My face I reclined on the Beloved.
All ceased and I abandoned myself,
Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies.
- Saint John of the Cross

New Present for me...

Sydney Kate's blessing from jennifer ervin on Vimeo.

I just bought myself a new flip video camera. It fits nice in my pocket and super easy to use. I felt like we were missing precious moments with Sydney Kate. I wanted to capture her expressions and the little things she does that I never want to forget. So if this works out you guys might be seeing lots of Sydney Kate videos. Aren't you excited!

This first video is SK singing the blessing at dinner. She always tells us it is her turn to say the blessing and never gives us a turn to say it - that's okay hers is more precious anyway! This has to make Jesus smile...enjoy!

Heading to the Beach...

We are heading to the beach this weekend - hoping to get a much needed break from life. I find great joy in the silence of the beach - hearing the waves and feeling the ocean breeze on my face. Many times God has met me there - there on the beach with a 1,000 thoughts swirling in my mind God has come and quieted my soul. I pray that very same thing happens this weekend. Its kind of tricky to find quiet moments anywhere with a three year old - you must plan ahead!! And I've learned I have to give my husband a hint of my expectations for the weekend. I may be thinking I can't wait to have great time on the beach alone and he may be thinking lets stay together all day. Both are great thoughts but if he isn't on my page I have the tendency to be mad at him for not reading my mind.

Last week was bit challenging for me. I had my two week post-op visit with my doctor. I felt great leading up to the appointment but the closer I got to her office the faster my heart started beating. In my mind I dream up great fantasies - like I'll walk in here and my doctor will have all the answers. She'll know exactly what happened and what we need to do differently next time. Nothing will be a mystery and she will have everything under control! Fantasies rarely if ever come true. She didn't have all the answers but is willing to try anything next time around. So our next pregnancy doesn't sound all that relaxing to me (if pregnancy can be put in the same sentence with relaxing). I'll probably be giving myself shots in my belly, taking meds, and having weekly ultrasounds - all this for the "just in case" scenario. Because really at this point no body knows why these miscarriages keep happening. So again this is where I walk... I have days where I seem completely normal, I have days where I wish I were a huge fat pregnant woman, I have days where I experience the rest of Jesus, and I have days where I want to scream and kick on the floor. I get up every morning and know in my heart God has me here - its not glamorous or beautiful - it is just where He has me for today.