Today my little girl started her three year old preschool class - three days a week she will be going to school. The freedom that gives me is a bit hard to contain - what do I do with all that time alone? I could clean my house, fold clothes, go to the grocery store, work, or I can do what gives me rest. I know the other things have to get done but I have to prioritize and many times if I'm not energized on the inside none of the other obligations will be done or at least done with a good attitude.
So today I loaded up my bag with a good book, my journal, and my bible. The big decision came once I dropped off Sydney Kate - none of this is planned in advance... which makes it much more enjoyable. Do I turn right or left? I ended up at Barnes and Noble cafe. But before I sat down to enjoy my Grande fat free caramel latte - I picked out three books to skim. I'm almost done with my current book so I'm on the look out for the next read. Finally I sit at the corner table. Not many people can see me right off but I have the whole view of the place - just in case I'm in the mood to veg out and people watch( My next favorite hobby). For two hours I read and soaked in a book about God's Grace. The truth is I don't remember the title of the book - not sure of the author either? All I know is I sat in one place for two hours with only this book, a great cup of coffee, and my thoughts. This is a rare event in a mom's life!
It has been hours since I left my cozy table at the cafe but my mind remains focused on thoughts of the Lord. I'm still walking through painful days - reminders of what has been taken - and days where I walk in great sadness. But most days I'm thankful for where I am despite the pain and brokenness. It seems we're all so busy doing life that when messiness enters in we search for where to put it on our to do lists. If it doesn't fit then we just ignore it. I'm so tired of ignoring what I really am... just one big mess in search of someone to clean me up - to hold me - to reaffirm my worth. Take a deep breath... find joy in resting ... get lost in thought about the Father's love for all of us - he especially loves the messy ones!
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I remained, lost in oblivion;
My face I reclined on the Beloved.
All ceased and I abandoned myself,
Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies.
- Saint John of the Cross
3 comments:
How I loved this:
But most days I'm thankful for where I am despite the pain and brokenness. It seems we're all so busy doing life that when messiness enters in we search for where to put it on our to do lists. If it doesn't fit then we just ignore it. I'm so tired of ignoring what I really am... just one big mess in search of someone to clean me up - to hold me - to reaffirm my worth. Take a deep breath... find joy in resting ... get lost in thought about the Father's love for all of us - he especially loves the messy ones!
Thank you for the peek into your beautiful heart!
Sandy
Love your honesty, love your brokenness, transparency...you're getting what we've all been talking about so much. Looking forward to openness in life group coming up where we can share face to face. Know that you're still in my prayers. I know it's still hard but I'm so thankful for how He's working in you...and that you're willing to share!
"Harve!" , I love reading your blog...and Sydney Kate is adorable! I love this post and want to thank you for the idea- I try to read at home but end up walking in the door after dropping them of and I start working. LOVE the idea about going to the bookstore!!! Thanks!
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