New Present for me...

Sydney Kate's blessing from jennifer ervin on Vimeo.

I just bought myself a new flip video camera. It fits nice in my pocket and super easy to use. I felt like we were missing precious moments with Sydney Kate. I wanted to capture her expressions and the little things she does that I never want to forget. So if this works out you guys might be seeing lots of Sydney Kate videos. Aren't you excited!

This first video is SK singing the blessing at dinner. She always tells us it is her turn to say the blessing and never gives us a turn to say it - that's okay hers is more precious anyway! This has to make Jesus smile...enjoy!

Heading to the Beach...

We are heading to the beach this weekend - hoping to get a much needed break from life. I find great joy in the silence of the beach - hearing the waves and feeling the ocean breeze on my face. Many times God has met me there - there on the beach with a 1,000 thoughts swirling in my mind God has come and quieted my soul. I pray that very same thing happens this weekend. Its kind of tricky to find quiet moments anywhere with a three year old - you must plan ahead!! And I've learned I have to give my husband a hint of my expectations for the weekend. I may be thinking I can't wait to have great time on the beach alone and he may be thinking lets stay together all day. Both are great thoughts but if he isn't on my page I have the tendency to be mad at him for not reading my mind.

Last week was bit challenging for me. I had my two week post-op visit with my doctor. I felt great leading up to the appointment but the closer I got to her office the faster my heart started beating. In my mind I dream up great fantasies - like I'll walk in here and my doctor will have all the answers. She'll know exactly what happened and what we need to do differently next time. Nothing will be a mystery and she will have everything under control! Fantasies rarely if ever come true. She didn't have all the answers but is willing to try anything next time around. So our next pregnancy doesn't sound all that relaxing to me (if pregnancy can be put in the same sentence with relaxing). I'll probably be giving myself shots in my belly, taking meds, and having weekly ultrasounds - all this for the "just in case" scenario. Because really at this point no body knows why these miscarriages keep happening. So again this is where I walk... I have days where I seem completely normal, I have days where I wish I were a huge fat pregnant woman, I have days where I experience the rest of Jesus, and I have days where I want to scream and kick on the floor. I get up every morning and know in my heart God has me here - its not glamorous or beautiful - it is just where He has me for today.

The Beauty in Three year olds...

My daughter amazes me at her wisdom. Everyday I get something new that she has discovered - something she is passionate about. Over the last few weeks she has been passionate about our cats - Gracie and Knox. Sydney Kate tells me "Mommy I NEED to hold Gracie...it is comfortable for me." No matter how many times the cats claw their way out of her grip... she wakes up every morning desiring to hold her "kitty tats". She is passionate.

Sydney Kate was passionate about the arrival of a baby sister. Last night as I was tucking her into bed she asked (as she has many times in the last two weeks)... Why is our baby in Heaven? I told her because the baby was sick and wasn't growing anymore in Mommy's tummy. Sk replied by saying " The baby is with Jesus - if the baby is sick Jesus make her feel better. Right Mommy - Jesus make us feel better?" You see when Sydney Kate has a hard fall or she feels really sick we might stop and say a quick prayer to Jesus and ask him to help her heal and start feeling better. So last night my precious three year old wants to know why Jesus didn't make our baby feel better. I wish I had the answer for her - all I said was I don't know sweetheart... I don't know. Learning at a young age there is struggle and pain in this world.

My mom shared with me last week something else Sydney Kate told her granddad when she stayed with them during my surgery two weeks ago. She said "Granddad my baby crawled to Heaven -- it crawled because Granddad babies don't walk!"

To me these are special glimpses into my daughter's heart - in her own way she is dealing with death and with God. It is sweet for me to think God is loving on my 3 year old right now. My passionate and very articulate three year old has her own answers to where our baby is tonight... Jesus is making her feel better.

Real world happening with brain dead mom...

Found this picture... I don't know this woman but somehow I think she captures the whole idea of being half alive - and maybe a little brain dead like I feel!


I feel like I'm back to the "real world" - last week I was functioning at half capacity but this week I'm having to make up for the last two weeks I wasn't willing to engage the world. Although as hard as I'm trying to keep it together - it never works out! This morning was suppose to be Sydney's first dentist appointment. I totally forgot! Never even crossed my mind!! The bad part is the dentist called me yesterday about 4pm to confirm. I didn't even call back to reschedule today - what do you say? Hi this is the brain dead mom who didn't bring her daughter in for her appointment. Maybe my brain will reappear but I'm not counting on it to happen anytime in the near future.

Over the last two weeks I've been keeping my mind occupied - I've read one book and I'm working on second. I read the first fiction book that I've read in years - The Shack. I don't want to go into theology with this book - I know there are a few things that are a little off - enough said. All I need to say is this story was exactly what I needed two weeks ago. I cried because I was so immersed in the story and also because I was reminded over and over how much love God has for me. I highly recommend this book. I'm now reading - My beautiful Idol by Pete Gall. Basically, Pete tells his story of how messed up his life has been... or I should say he acknowledges the messiness of living and experiencing God in all of it. I love books like this... reminds me a bit of Blue Like Jazz. This is not a neat and clean Christian feel good book - this book is edgy and raw - which is how I like it. I can't recommend the book as of yet - I'm only half way through. I try to make it a point to never recommend until I've completed the book ... I've been burned on this before.

I guess the moral here is I'm trying to enter back into the world. Not doing such a good job but living none the less.

One week down...

I was really not wanting Monday to come. To me starting a new week signaled that I would need to function like normal... like nothing had ever happened. Todd would go back to work and I would be at home with SK and we would do our normal daily things. It sounds simple enough but functioning when you'd rather be in the bed indulging yourself in deep thoughts is much more appealing than moving on.

Apparently, I survived Monday and I guess in one way I've had to move forward. Over the last week I've been thinking the thought "Now what... what am I going to do with my year now that I'm not having a baby in February." When you become pregnant you start to have this pregnancy mindset. No caffeine (or very little) - I've overcome this mindset and have officially overdosed myself in caffeine related products in the last week. No overnight trips after February - I'm so planning a girl's weekend... and I need some sort of silent retreat. Exercise with caution - I've been doing more ab exercises in the last week than ever...and I feel every minute of it! I've got to get rid of the pregnant look. Also I was hoping to run in the Race for the Cure in October. I put that dream aside when I was pregnant - but now I'm about to start training. I'm really not a runner but it is something I want to accomplish. Anyone want to join me??

I don't intend to move past this experience anytime soon - I do intend to live life. Even if I wanted to be depressed in my bed for a long period of time my three year old wouldn't allow it. "Mommy let's play kitchen...let's play babies...let's ride our bikes." I'm very thankful for an endlessly cheerful little girl - she gives me a reason to get out of bed and not live in my depressed thoughts. Todd has been so good to give me space for my thoughts. I went last night to just sit and have coffee - alone with God and my endless thinking. No huge revelations. Just the continued message that I'm not here by accident and God is using this deeply to bring me closer to Him. I don't like how it had to happen but I like the outcome of intimacy. So for now this is where I will live.

Late night...

It is 1:30am and I’m not tired at all!! I’m sure this will not be my reaction at 6am when my daughter comes to the edge of my bed and says, “Mommy I sleep good!” She says the same thing every morning – no matter if it is 5am, 6am, or 7am. Of course I’m glad she slept well but the fact is many times I have not! Apparently I’m not sleeping well tonight...

I probably should have taken the Lortab my wonderful doctor prescribed to me. The problem is I have no physical pain. So it goes against everything I know to take medicine just because you have it. Don’t get me wrong I have pain – just not physical pain. Today as I occupied myself with many small tasks I came to the simple conclusion that I wish I did feel physical pain from the surgery. I wish I felt pain physically the way that I feel it emotionally. People don’t “get” emotional pain. Everyone would say they get it but rarely do people enter into emotional pain with another person (I know it happens – its just rare okay!). However, everyone understands physical pain. When you stump your toe you know it hurts like Hell and you jump around trying not to cuss. We all know that feeling – we’ve all experienced it and we can immediately connect there. But when it comes to those emotions we cannot control and have no idea how they will look once they are released…those are scary to people –especially me. I like to deal with other people’s scary emotions just not mine. I’m a social worker…we like scary things that we can fix. The problem in this situation of mine is this is so beyond my fixing capabilities – again out of my control. I’m walking around in this haze of emotional instability and for some strange reason I’m okay that I’m not okay. Somewhere after that last sentence my mind keeps being drawn to the word - Faith and then I hear the word - Trust. Just beyond those words I hear being whispered to me… Jenn I am so fond of you and I love you more than you can comprehend. In this moment I feel the embrace of my precious heavenly Father – and nothing else really matters.

I guess good things do happen after 2am.

Maybe this post is for me - maybe God needed to meet me here tonight. You don't have to "get" my writing. You may even think I'm crazy. These writings are mainly for me and it helps me to get out those things I sit around and think about all day. I've just invited you to join me if you would like. But if it bothers you - you may want to stay away from this blog for a while. I'm pretty sure a lot more stuff may be said and it could look a little "raw" to some. I love you all.

Alive and mostly well...

I'm glad Thursday is over - I'm not a big fan of hospitals. To me they are cold and smell funny. Plus "the plan" for my Thursday was not be in the hospital. I was suppose to be visiting my best friend in Atlanta. We were suppose to be hanging pictures in her new house and possibly shopping at one of my favorite stores. Simple things I guess but as I laid in the hospital waiting for the surgery I found myself asking the Lord - Why am I here again? What in the world are you doing here Jesus? Logical questions right.

My doctor comes in the room and acknowledges the fact that one year ago (plus two weeks) I was in the hospital for this very same reason. We both agree to try to arrange my next pregnancy around the month of August. And she agrees to give me drugs and warns me about the next few weeks of major hormone issues. I told her she should better warn Todd - he may want to take a vacation and come back in September.

So we had another little girl - we are 3 for 3. I must be destined to be a girl mom. Sydney Kate has been telling me from the beginning of this pregnancy that it was a little girl. I guess I should learn to listen to 3 year old wisdom. She wanted to name her sister Susie. I'm not fond of the name myself but Sydney Kate would not back down. Granted if Susie did make her way into this world I'm quite sure her name would not have been Susie. But in light of the situation I see no reason to change her name - I'll let my 3 year old have this one.
Today I am drug free. I feel like I've been sleeping for a week - although it was only 24 hours. This morning I found pleasure in the simple things - a pot of fully caffeinated coffee. Because I have not made any coffee in 3.5 months I didn't have any half & half - which I'd rather not have coffee if I don't have one of the main pleasures. To my delight I found whipped cream instead. Two cups of greatness.

As I made my coffee I noticed a book on my dining room table. I pulled this book out a few weeks ago to pass to a friend who is walking through a separation with her husband - obviously I still haven't gotten it to her. Its called The Healing Path by Dan Allender. I've read it before many years ago but today I began to read it again. A book written about pain we experience in our lives. Here's a quote: " The desert shatters the soul's arrogance and leaves the body and soul crying out in thirst and hunger. In the desert, we trust God or we die."

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. For this is where I pray my heart would rest.

Numb...

Silence has been my friend today. No words seem quite right. I’m a total wreck and in many ways don’t really want to accept the reality that this pregnancy is over. I don’t think my heart and brain are connecting the facts that are in front of them – I want to be in a safer place where at least I have a little control. I guess that’s my underlying desire everyday (not that I want to admit it) but in times of pure pain I fight for control even more. I feel like someone keeps sneaking up and kicking me as hard as they can right in my chest – grasping for air – wanting to be rescued and wanting to protect myself. Surely all of this is a terrible dream and I’ll wake up tomorrow and continue through my mundane existence of predictability and control. Ah sad place to be really – I’ve never prayed for a mundane existence but when its gone I suddenly shrink in the shadow of the unknown. I’ve prayed for Jesus to be real in my life…for passion…for realness…honesty. I’m quite sure you don’t experience those things in a mundane, boring, and in control life.

So here I sit ripped apart emotionally once again as the baby that has been growing inside of me will not see life outside of me. One I’ll never hold, kiss, or smell. You might think there’s no attachment for a mother before the baby is born – simply not true. For me the reality that a little one is growing inside of me is apparent the day I read the pregnancy test. Suddenly our family is about to change…my body is about to change….plans change. So yesterday when I watched as the ultrasound tech sat quietly as she looked at my baby on the screen I knew immediately another change was on the way…grief.

Today I was given a little gift -- I listened to Sydney Kate tell her grandmother our family news. She looked at my mom and said, “Nana our baby is going to heaven. We went to hear the heartbeat but there was none. We’re all sad (a few seconds later) but sometimes we’re happy.” I listened to her today and cried and thought I want to say it that way. I want to trust that my God is good and in His goodness this is the plan – our baby is in heaven and we are sad but we will find joy in the sadness.

We are pressed but not crushed…perplexed but don’t despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned.
We are no longer slaves – we are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life nor present
Nor future nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ.

I very much need reminders of truth especially when I’m grasping for air. Today I found them in the above - a song full of scripture that I sang loudly with many tears.

Tomorrow at 9:45am I will hopefully be fully drugged and unaware of my surroundings and what is happening. Please pray that the D&C procedure goes smoothly and with the help of drugs I would sleep all day. I love you all – thank you for the encouraging emails and phone calls – we feel deeply loved.