Numb...

Silence has been my friend today. No words seem quite right. I’m a total wreck and in many ways don’t really want to accept the reality that this pregnancy is over. I don’t think my heart and brain are connecting the facts that are in front of them – I want to be in a safer place where at least I have a little control. I guess that’s my underlying desire everyday (not that I want to admit it) but in times of pure pain I fight for control even more. I feel like someone keeps sneaking up and kicking me as hard as they can right in my chest – grasping for air – wanting to be rescued and wanting to protect myself. Surely all of this is a terrible dream and I’ll wake up tomorrow and continue through my mundane existence of predictability and control. Ah sad place to be really – I’ve never prayed for a mundane existence but when its gone I suddenly shrink in the shadow of the unknown. I’ve prayed for Jesus to be real in my life…for passion…for realness…honesty. I’m quite sure you don’t experience those things in a mundane, boring, and in control life.

So here I sit ripped apart emotionally once again as the baby that has been growing inside of me will not see life outside of me. One I’ll never hold, kiss, or smell. You might think there’s no attachment for a mother before the baby is born – simply not true. For me the reality that a little one is growing inside of me is apparent the day I read the pregnancy test. Suddenly our family is about to change…my body is about to change….plans change. So yesterday when I watched as the ultrasound tech sat quietly as she looked at my baby on the screen I knew immediately another change was on the way…grief.

Today I was given a little gift -- I listened to Sydney Kate tell her grandmother our family news. She looked at my mom and said, “Nana our baby is going to heaven. We went to hear the heartbeat but there was none. We’re all sad (a few seconds later) but sometimes we’re happy.” I listened to her today and cried and thought I want to say it that way. I want to trust that my God is good and in His goodness this is the plan – our baby is in heaven and we are sad but we will find joy in the sadness.

We are pressed but not crushed…perplexed but don’t despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned.
We are no longer slaves – we are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life nor present
Nor future nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ.

I very much need reminders of truth especially when I’m grasping for air. Today I found them in the above - a song full of scripture that I sang loudly with many tears.

Tomorrow at 9:45am I will hopefully be fully drugged and unaware of my surroundings and what is happening. Please pray that the D&C procedure goes smoothly and with the help of drugs I would sleep all day. I love you all – thank you for the encouraging emails and phone calls – we feel deeply loved.