August 13, 2008

One week down...

I was really not wanting Monday to come. To me starting a new week signaled that I would need to function like normal... like nothing had ever happened. Todd would go back to work and I would be at home with SK and we would do our normal daily things. It sounds simple enough but functioning when you'd rather be in the bed indulging yourself in deep thoughts is much more appealing than moving on.

Apparently, I survived Monday and I guess in one way I've had to move forward. Over the last week I've been thinking the thought "Now what... what am I going to do with my year now that I'm not having a baby in February." When you become pregnant you start to have this pregnancy mindset. No caffeine (or very little) - I've overcome this mindset and have officially overdosed myself in caffeine related products in the last week. No overnight trips after February - I'm so planning a girl's weekend... and I need some sort of silent retreat. Exercise with caution - I've been doing more ab exercises in the last week than ever...and I feel every minute of it! I've got to get rid of the pregnant look. Also I was hoping to run in the Race for the Cure in October. I put that dream aside when I was pregnant - but now I'm about to start training. I'm really not a runner but it is something I want to accomplish. Anyone want to join me??

I don't intend to move past this experience anytime soon - I do intend to live life. Even if I wanted to be depressed in my bed for a long period of time my three year old wouldn't allow it. "Mommy let's play kitchen...let's play babies...let's ride our bikes." I'm very thankful for an endlessly cheerful little girl - she gives me a reason to get out of bed and not live in my depressed thoughts. Todd has been so good to give me space for my thoughts. I went last night to just sit and have coffee - alone with God and my endless thinking. No huge revelations. Just the continued message that I'm not here by accident and God is using this deeply to bring me closer to Him. I don't like how it had to happen but I like the outcome of intimacy. So for now this is where I will live.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am glad you are able to get a away last night to just sit and be with the Father. I am still praying my friend.

Michael said...

Jenn,
I've joined you in the indulgences... caffeine, wine, a mojito at lunch on Tuesday. I need to follow suit in taking time to actually just think about it as I think it feels better to not feel. I admire your wading in and sitting with the hard stuff. Ugh. That sounds so unpleasant to me and I just don't like hard things...but like you I do desire the intimacy with God. I was thinking this morning that it might take some intentional journaling to get me on that road. Much love,
jackie