If you know me at all you know that I start every morning with at least one cup of coffee - if not two. Then after dropping off Sydney Kate at school you can often find me at Panera Bread (pretending to work) and drinking yet another cup of java. And on a particularly good night you might even find me cruising through Starbucks drive through window ordering a low fat carmel Latte. In all accounts some of you might really think Jenn is addicted to caffeine - the drug of the century! I like to say I'm addicted to what makes me happy - coffee makes me happy and therefore I drink it a lot! All of that to say coffee is on the back burner these days - no craving for it. In fact I can't even think about making it in the morning anymore - and even typing that makes me sad. I guess this is how I'm announcing to those who don't know - I'm pregnant once again! I'm a little anxious about putting that announcement out there for all to see. Every time you say it or tell someone it becomes a little more real. We are so happy to be going down this road again but after two miscarriages there's something that tells you to hold back. Hold back from the reality that you really are experiencing this once again - hold back from having the normal expectations of pregnancy. I keep asking myself when I'll feel safe in this whole journey and I'm pretty sure the answer is the due date for this little one - August 4th.
If you know me deeply you know that at times I can be a master at "walling" up my emotions - if I don't feel then it won't hurt. I find myself there many days as I walk this pregnancy journey. I wake up in the mornings and wonder in my head if I still feel sick? Does my stomach look bigger? Am I tired? I'm starting to think that these anxious feelings leave me more drained than the actual pregnancy. I try to fill my thoughts with truth from God's word but to be honest even looking at truth reminds me this is real and maybe I should just try to make it to the next day then maybe just maybe this baby will be okay. I wish I could say I've been pouring over scripture for this child but really all I seem to be able to do is whisper little prayers throughout the day - Lord please protect this baby. So here we are - almost 12 weeks into this thing - and still a very long way to go. I get to see this little one every two weeks via ultrasound - thanks to my doctor who is doing everything possible to decrease my anxiety - last week this baby was enjoying all kinds of room to kick and punch - what a miracle it is to watch something so small moving around inside of you.
Hopefully, this post gives you a clue as to why I haven't posted anything since Thanksgiving. I just couldn't post this news and I'm not really sure I'm ready today. But no matter how anxious and scared and out of control I feel - I know God is in this and for some reason today I know for sure I'm carrying a little life inside of me and for a brief moment I'm okay in the unknown of the ending.
So pray for me - pray for my family that has to deal with a hormone filled pregnant woman who is now limiting her caffeine intake to one a day...