Late night...

It is 1:30am and I’m not tired at all!! I’m sure this will not be my reaction at 6am when my daughter comes to the edge of my bed and says, “Mommy I sleep good!” She says the same thing every morning – no matter if it is 5am, 6am, or 7am. Of course I’m glad she slept well but the fact is many times I have not! Apparently I’m not sleeping well tonight...

I probably should have taken the Lortab my wonderful doctor prescribed to me. The problem is I have no physical pain. So it goes against everything I know to take medicine just because you have it. Don’t get me wrong I have pain – just not physical pain. Today as I occupied myself with many small tasks I came to the simple conclusion that I wish I did feel physical pain from the surgery. I wish I felt pain physically the way that I feel it emotionally. People don’t “get” emotional pain. Everyone would say they get it but rarely do people enter into emotional pain with another person (I know it happens – its just rare okay!). However, everyone understands physical pain. When you stump your toe you know it hurts like Hell and you jump around trying not to cuss. We all know that feeling – we’ve all experienced it and we can immediately connect there. But when it comes to those emotions we cannot control and have no idea how they will look once they are released…those are scary to people –especially me. I like to deal with other people’s scary emotions just not mine. I’m a social worker…we like scary things that we can fix. The problem in this situation of mine is this is so beyond my fixing capabilities – again out of my control. I’m walking around in this haze of emotional instability and for some strange reason I’m okay that I’m not okay. Somewhere after that last sentence my mind keeps being drawn to the word - Faith and then I hear the word - Trust. Just beyond those words I hear being whispered to me… Jenn I am so fond of you and I love you more than you can comprehend. In this moment I feel the embrace of my precious heavenly Father – and nothing else really matters.

I guess good things do happen after 2am.

Maybe this post is for me - maybe God needed to meet me here tonight. You don't have to "get" my writing. You may even think I'm crazy. These writings are mainly for me and it helps me to get out those things I sit around and think about all day. I've just invited you to join me if you would like. But if it bothers you - you may want to stay away from this blog for a while. I'm pretty sure a lot more stuff may be said and it could look a little "raw" to some. I love you all.